My Deepest Apology

Another friday come.

As usual, I feel so anxious. To go back home to my city and  to see Dafa, ahh, I 've been missing him quite a lot this week. Just hearing his voice on the phone or looking at his pics made me smile. :) but no, I'm not gonna bore you about Dafa.. (Not in this piece of writing anyway :D )

I just wanna tell that I finally come at peace with my mind and heart.
I had excepted my loss, and admitted my stupidity.  Excepted that I was being a fool, almost leaving a diamond to keep some cheap pebble.

I also felt devastated, learning that someone is still felt hurt and ache, because of my stupidity. I will be forever in debt to him because of this. I am truly sorry. I knew that I will never be able to change the past, or to extract those bad memories from his head, nor simply vanishing his heart-ache. 

It appeared to be,
My stupidity had engraved deep.
Not just grazing his heart,
But tear it apart

If I could, I would scream my forgiveness for the world to hear,
Or just hug him to overcome his fear
Or cut myself and present him my heart 
And let him know that we'll never be part

*****
I'm so sorry, Eagle  :)

Sabtu, Mei 05, 2012 at 12.16 , 0 Comments | Links to this post

Passing by

Yesterday, I was waiting for the bus to take me home.I had known the schedule, knew where to wait for it, and also felt confident that I will get on the bus, and would be arriving at my city in two hours.

But then, something unpredictable happened. Rows of bus that were stopping in front of the bus stop, just blocked the view of my bus's driver. I had tried to wave my hand to stop it, but it wouldn't stop. *sigh

At first I have imagined that I will ride that particular bus, that will be passing my bus stop at that precise times, and I will be arriving at my hometown at exactly two hours afterwards.

I was so sure. Positive. Totally certain.

But then  the bus just passed.

Not because I was late, not because I stayed on the wrong bus stop, and not because I lost my sight and missed it. No.It was because there were other busses in front of me.The bus couldn’t stop in front of me because of it was being blocked, and it was forced to take the other lane. What I felt then? Disappointed, of course. I had woken up early, very very early just to catch that first bus. The fact that I was a little bit ill and had to drag myself out of the bed just made everything feel worse. The feeling of having to wait for another hour made it more worse. But the worst thing were, It killed all my dreams and hopes. But then I got to get a grip of myself. So instead of waiting for another bus to come,

I searched for it.



I went to the bus station to get another bus.

 I reached for my future, Instead of waiting for it to happen


 :)
 -R 

Kamis, April 05, 2012 at 15.37 , 0 Comments | Links to this post

On The Air VS In Love

..My first flying-experience.


36 thousand feet above the air..


My heart lurched.


Magnificent.


So that was how it felt to fly..


I was beyond words.


Those fluffy white clouds,

The sun that shone so brilliantly,

The bright blue sky,

And Seemingly-endless horizon

No limit

And No boundaries


Though sometime there were eerie feeling that accompanied the marvel.


Thinking that I was in that altitude, and thought about what happened if something gone wrong.

Hmm.. The only enemy while in the air were only gravity.


Gravity keeps u standing on the ground, but In the air, gravity will be very mean. He'll pull you down 10 meters per second, and will be crushing you to the ground.

So hard.


Lethal.


And No mercy.



It's just the same with falling in love..


At first you'll feel magnificent, happy, amazed, and fearless.


Heart lurching, butterflies in stomach, the gleam in the eyes, the endless smile pasted on your face, and not to mention the dopey + soaring feelings.


All because of falling in love.


But when something gone wrong, like unrequitted love and being played at.. It's like jumping without parachute, and let gravity pulls you down.


So hard.


Lethal


And without mercy.


..And if you survived, you will have to collect pieces of you, and had to put its shatters one by one. piece by piece.


When you feel your stronger and ready to go again, suddenly one piece-just one small piece-decided to gave up, and all of the other pieces will shattered again.


Everytime you try to move on, there would always be pieces that gave up, and shattered everthing again. It'd happen On and on again.


Until when?


Maybe until you've found something that's strong enough to hold on to, something that plug in so deeply in the ground. Stands still in storm, wind, rain, and heat. But yet still be soft to hold. Something that will be there to help you up and always keeping you from missing one piece :)


-----------------

..Taking a really deep breath while writing this.


-R

Kamis, Maret 29, 2012 at 09.09 , 0 Comments | Links to this post

The Open Book

People often say that eyes are the window of the soul.

Why? Maybe because we can easily tell lies with our lips + tongue, but the eyes.. They wouldn't be able to lie.


There'll be a spark in My eyes if I feel happy and content,


There'll be a flicker on them, should I feel doubt


There'll be a glint, that reflected the spirit and light from the opponent's eyes


They will be fluttering with worries and mysterious lies


And they will Shine like a lighthouse, looking at his eyes.


They will be empty with sorrow and sadness

And blazing hot with rage and madness


They will be steaming hot with passion,

And soften with compassion,


The eyes, the smile and their brilliant ray

An open book, people may say.



------

.. my eyes = my feelings

#another unimportant writing



-R

Rabu, Maret 14, 2012 at 15.27 , 0 Comments | Links to this post

Temptation


Friday, on the bus. As usual.

But this time I got a seat. *yaaaayy*

Since I had to visit my client, and able to came early and caught the bus to my hometown.



I have been trying to look back this past week. Trying to figure out things to spill over here.


There were soo many interesting things happened this week, but I found one thing quite interesting *and mind-blowing* errgh.


It was about the placement I made. She was about to join the new company, all process were successfully passed, and suddenly.. She decided to withdrew.


Damn. Double damn. Damn, damn,,,


The reason?


Because her current company just raised her income, and suddenly, her boss were acting sooooo nice and treat her like cinderella *rolleyes* what a temptation.


Hmm..


That made me think much. So very much.


When you decided something, it'll be like you decide to swim in a flooded river, upstream.


The stream will hit your face very hard as you tried to swim. Your strokes will be very heavy, your arms will be hurting like hell, and your legs will be screaming in pain, as you tried to paddle, fighting the stream that kept pushing you backwards. You even couldn't stand up straight, without getting yourself carried away by the dangerously hard stream. Even to stand up and breathe, you will find it so damn hard. The stream is just too hard. With nothing for you to hold on to. You can only hold on to one thing. Your will, and it's also getting thinner every seconds


So ridiculously hard.


The stream is just like temptations, they will force you to give out, to give up, to finally let yourself stop fighting. To let yourself surrender to the stream, get carried away, and to be a lot more further from your goal.


Every decision u made, has its own consequences..


And it depends on your will,

To fight for it, or just to be carried away by the over-flowing stream.


It's totally not easy to fight the stream, you will come undone, with lots of bruises, scars, pains, marks and everything.


But you will be proud of yourself. To be able to win the battle with the stream, and also the hardest battle: the battle with yourself, the battle to fight the temptation to give up


You CAN!

--------------------------

- Based on personal experience, paddling my As* fighting different streams :D There were always another stream waiting to be fought after finishing the last one.


note:

- take a deep breath before you decide to dive and fight the stream

and just believe: There always be a light at the end of the tunnel.



-R

Senin, Maret 05, 2012 at 11.01 , 0 Comments | Links to this post

The Pursuit Of Dreams

One thing that I feel after the separation was that I tried to put my dreams aside.

There are lots of thing that I have to turned down a notch (or sometimes few notches), due to the complication it will cause if I had done so.

I dreamed of going back to school, to get master's degree, but then I had to provide for Dafa, and it'd be rather difficult for single-mom like me, to work and go to college at the same time


I dreamed of having Dafa live with me, but my job is at the other part of the region, 110kms away.. So I have to strengthen my body and mind, *and budget also* so I can go back and forth every week.


I dreamed of having the securities over my life, the never-worries, the feeling secured and save, the contentment..


I dreamed of being able to spread my wings and fly, and to feel the wind on my face, to go as far as I could..
As high as I can reach..
And build my castle on the sky..

For Dafa, and for myself.


Ah.


Please God. Let all my dreams come true.


-------------------------------

Thank you for being there, to come and change my whole life

To allow me to do something I've never allowed myself to do before :
To dream, and truly believe with all my mind and heart, that my dreams will easily come true.



-R




Minggu, Februari 26, 2012 at 11.36 , 1 Comment | Links to this post

Dafa's Taekwondo Lesson

It's been a while since the last time I write about Dafa,
My little-Man :D

He's been coping a lot since the separation, I have never had major worries about him.
He's strong outside, but so soft and sensitive inside. He's funny and witty, He gets along with people so easily.


Aahhhhaahaaaaa.. enough.. Moms will never stop if she's asked to write about their children.

My Dafa is now 7, will be 8 this year. I had started to put him in a Qur'an-reading-class starting last year. It's actually a private lesson, whereas He has to read & learn Qur'an face-to-face with his Tutor (He calls his Tutor Granpa).

Sometimes he got really bored with his lesson (maybe because he prefers my innovative teaching-method more :D), and he decided to 'play truant'. Wkwkkwkw.. made me wonder, where did he learned this kinda skill? never thought of him to be able to do such thing.
..maybe he's a little boy after all, who gets bored really fast :D


I tried to find some solution for this problem, and finally got the answer when my students told me about Taekwondo Lesson they attend. I was thinking: "Wow. this is perfect.. He'll be able to learn new skill, has lots of new friends, gain a lot more confidence, and alsoooo.. I would never had to hire bodyguard anymore." :D *just my luck*

I then enrolled him in for Taekwondo lesson. IDR 50 thousand per month, for twice a week lesson. :D He reaaaallly enjoy the lessons, and always looking forward for Sunday morning and Thursday afternoon ;).

And the good thing is, he never miss his Qur'an-reading-class anymore... yeaaaaa \m/
He becomes a lot more confident, and responsible.

But I get 'my share' of the thrill..

Having to wake up early in weekdays, i also have to do so on Saturday (he goes to school at 6 a.m.) and after signing up for the taekwondo lesson, I also HAVE to get up really early in SUNDAY :'(

huaaaaaaaaa :'( no more waking up late for me....*sigh*


And I also has to face my my worst nightmare, which is his Taekwondo-clothes

It’s WHITE, and it’s so very THICK..


My worst nightmare happens on the washing session


I already hate white clothes, and now I have to scrub ( I don’t believe in washing machine, still have to rub and scrub it with my hands, before putting the clothes in the washing machine :D )… not only the giant-white-shirt, but also the-giant-white-trousers, that he used it to sit on ANY kind of SURFACE (dirty-mostly) :P


Haisshhyy.. I love Dafa taking his Taekwondo lesson..


But sometimes I wished he took “pencak silat” lesson instead (the costume is black, of course :P)


-----------------------------------------

Get well soon, Nak..


Ibu love you so much..




-R



Senin, Februari 20, 2012 at 12.26 , 1 Comment | Links to this post

Two Sides of A Coin


When I was a little girl, I've always treasured a coin. It was really valuable for me because I only get coins on a special occasion, like festive days or when I visited my grandparents. I really like the feeling when I spend it, my eyes were bulging, looking astonished when the coins were being exchanged to colorful candies or salty snacks *eurghh, such unhealthy childrens-food*

I also treasured coin because of the clanging sounds when they were bumping into each other. I felt really rich that time. Ohhh.. So so so much coins
what I love most from coins are they surface, the planes and ridges, the feel of it when I run my finger on it. But the most amazing thing was that there were 2 sides of them. Completely different design, ridges, planes, lines, etc.

It amazed me how a thing that thin has different sides of faces.. And someone had told me, I was just like those amazing coins :D Has 2 different sides of personalities. Ahahaahha, I guess that person were half-true. Because I have a complete series of alter-personalities, 10 of them. (Just like Ben Tennyson, cartoon series that Dafa crazy about, he also has 10 beasts inside him :p )

Hmm, what I feel about myself is, I am an easy-to-be-with person, I can go fluid around people and make them comfortable with me in an instant *if I wanted to* ;)

Would you like to know how I do that?


I absorb them..


Just like a vampire that sucks its victim's blood.

MUhhahahhahh *evil laugh*


--------------
..A really unimportant writing made by a frustrated single mother that could use another series of laugh and humor to cheer her up :p




-R

Sabtu, Februari 18, 2012 at 23.58 , 0 Comments | Links to this post

The Ups and Downs

On my way to go to my home city again,, this time getting soaked in rain, and waiting with heavy carrier on my back. I have never gotten any seats on the ride home since its already full, but most of the times, I can sit on the bus stairs, on the front entrance.


This time.. I have to stand up.


Standing alone, with big carrier is tiring. Imagine that u have to stand on high heels, with the rockin' of the bus, and also having to brace yourself every time the bus driver pushing the brakes, and doing all that for approximately 110 kms. Its.so.damn.hard.


But the bright side is.. I get to work on my leg and butt muscles :D :p


Sometimes I get to sit in the bus, and sometimes I don't. it's ups and downs in riding the bus home ..


Every little thing has their ups and downs.


Sometimes you get the good things, sometimes you get the bad..


Like in my work.. .most of the time, my work is stressfull, it's like struggling with time, you're few minutes late and you wouldn't get deals. Late replying emails from clients means also losing deals, being unthorough with the profiles will cause loses for the candidates. Not to mention the uncommitted candidate and also withdrawing candidate, but the worst of all, client's complains.. Haissyyh :(


But every downs must be followed by every ups.


My ups will be the laughter and jokes amongst my colleague, the satisfaction after placing deals, and also the one who'd always given me support, even though I cannot see him, he's always there when I need him. And even though he's busy, he'll always have time 4 me. Just said hi, and he already brighten up my day. :)


He's just like the Prince Charming riding his horse, to save the sleeping beauty from her tiresome spell. :p


*sheessh, Rana, u'r being soooo dreamyy* :p.


----------------------------------------------

-still being poisoned by the needle, and waiting for my prince..



Let your fingers touch my cheeks lightly, run them slowly along my jaw lines.

and kiss me softly, you will. Break the spell and wake me up.

Let you be the first one I see when I wake up,

and let your smile will be the first thing that will warm my heart.


Hold my hand and Take me away, Prince..



And let us ride the wind, wherever it may take us..



-R

Jumat, Februari 10, 2012 at 23.01 , 0 Comments | Links to this post

Poison Apple

Sheesh.


This headache. This problems..


It throbs in my head. I want to get out and scream. But does that really worth it? No I don’t think so..


If there’s any poison Apple, I’d like to take a bite. and let me feel the bile,

gone into the abyss, let me stay there for a while,

Gone will all the headache..

lost will all the pain.


Let the Prince Charming come and wake me,



rescue me, kiss me.





Ahh.




-R

Rabu, Februari 08, 2012 at 19.15 , 0 Comments | Links to this post

The Man That Challenges Me

I am sitting on a bus, on my way to my home-city, and suddenly have this inspiration struck my head..


I am thinking about the hormone-ragin’/massive ego/poweful/but-feels-so-good-to-be-hugged male species..


:D


Throughout what happened to me, I gained a lot more independency through the years. Hmm, on a second thought, I've always been independent and standing on my own two feet, -especially in matters of income- since I was little.. I think that's my nature. And The sense of independency just grew more stronger now.


The thing that really struck me about this independence-thingy is when I'm going out with a guy :D and the matter is : "who's paying" :D


Since college, I already made my own money, not much, but enough to have fun. When he asked me out, I then always said : "Ok, u pay for the movie and I'll pay for the food". He, *the penniless college student* couldn't agree more :D. That happened on and on and on, and sometimes I am the one that had to pay for everything. I didn't mind with that.


But then, when the boyfriend turned to husband, the customary just went on. At first it was ok for me to handle house bills I had thought that it was part of being a helpful wife. But then.. It got worse. He never thought about the household needs, and he became dependent on me. Then he also depended other things, and another, and another and more more another things for me to pay.


I kept my mouth shut and paid the bills, even after the divorce. Just to ensure my sanity.


From then, I *stupidly* still kept that "let me pay" custom. Not because I was being polite, but merely because it hits my independency ego :)


But one day, my beloved trainer from the office, Ms. Yunita, pointed out my mistakes.. "Rana.. You HAVE to try to stop being independent in a relationship. Just let yourself DEPEND on a man, let him takes care of you. If you don't, then it will be the same pattern over and over again"


She also told me that she had known that it would be so hard for me to give up independency, but she had suggested me to try from the simplest thing.


..And yeah. It's so damn hard not to pay for the bills when going out with Dafa :D (he's 7 years old and so cute, could not resist the urge to spoil him sometimes)


And yet, I still went totally panic when going out to a dinner with a man, and I forgot withdrawing money from the atm. Damn. Damn. I got so panicky. I didn't let my self think that I was going out with a man, that has eyes, mouth, ears.. and wallet, and also pride.


I was hurting his feelings and pride, by being panic, and didn't trust him to be able to handle everything.


So hard indeed to let myself depend on man. :(

-----------------------------

So the man that challenge me most will be someone that will take care of me, and force make me dependent on him entirely. Body, mind and soul. :)

-R

Sabtu, Februari 04, 2012 at 11.13 , 0 Comments | Links to this post

This Friday

It's Friday,
and everything around me seemed to goes well.. and smooth and blushy :p
My spirits are also above-normal level, since this afternoon I will be going home to Dafa, yipeee!! :D


But then I received an email from my client, that stated a miscalculation around the sum of money being invoiced to them.

..ouch.

It hurts my pride, my skills, and also my commission/wallet for next month.


I was shocked and confused and was also feeling down, walking to my boarding room, while accidentally passing a mosque.


I overheard the Khatib talking, before Friday Prayer. He had said that all good moslem are subjected to tests, those tests are to verify our faith to God. Whether we would still have faith to God or turn our backs when we felt too burdened by those problems. Even our prophets were being tested with tests beyond Imagination, had to lose their parents, or wives, or both. Losing their houses, and also had to lose their long-expected-only-child.


I got stunned by Khotib’s sayings.


One way or another, my wallet problems are nothing, compared to other people’s.


So I held my head up high, took a deep breath and said..


“mesti jagain lilin ini mah entar malem”


Oops.. not that :D


So I held my head up high again, took a deep breath and said..


I – Can – solve – this

:)

Do wish me luck ;)

-R

Jumat, Februari 03, 2012 at 12.50 , 1 Comment | Links to this post

My Cappuccino

On a heck of a busy day, my cell phone went dead.

Yap.

Dead as in, you’ve tried to remove the cover, the batteries & restart, but won’t even start..

Dead as in, you banged it on the table, and stomp it with your foot, restarted it, but still it won’t start either.

*arrggh*

(by that time, my stress level almost gone kapooiee, my contact numbers and important messages were stored there, and it’s now completely gone)

..My Cell phone had successfully went to cell phone-heaven.. :'(

So I think It’s time for me to buy a new one

I had been lusting after Sams*ng Galaxy Y.. for weeks, thinking that would be my dream-cell phone. Affordable, yet has everything I need inside it. I actually fell in love, seeing it’s e-book reader feature. Because e-book is basically my best friend while being alone in this town.

I browsed few stores at this tiny little town, and just found out that my dream-cell-phone’s price had just recently gone up. Exactly the day when I decided to buy it (doh).

I then re-evaluated my needs in cell phones. “Okay” I thought to my self. “Lets see what we need”. People around me were looking at me oddly. Apparently I did the thinking-for-myself thing by saying it out loud. :D and they were wondering if I were crazy, talking to myself. :D

After looking for a more secluded place, I began to reconsider the priorities. I then realized that I need a cell phone that can holds 2 numbers at the same time, for cheaper easier communication access.

I then decided to buy local cell-phones, “Cappuccino” : touch screen, wifi, and with super wide screen to spoil my eyes while reading e books. Plus, it’s a lot more cheaper than my dream-cell-phone. Yaaaaayyy!! I think I finally found my-best-suit-cell-phone.

At first it was hard to get used to touch screen. But then I got the hang of it and felt really comfortable with it. She had become my best friend ever since.

1.5 weeks later, I found out that my Cappuccino was broken, half of her screen was striped-white. L I went berserk after that. Poor thing, I then took her to cell-phone hospital a.k.a service center. I said goodbye to her, and wishing her to get well soon with lots of tears and pledging and moaning .. :D

I then had to borrow My Mom’s BB to replace her

*sigh*

I feel like a traitor. (because I had fun using the BBM feature :p)

And then I was realizing something. For me, A cell-phone is just like my companion in life, I bought it and then trust my secrets to it, getting money out of it, using its features, cherish me, hold it in my hand, always take it everywhere I go, and even “feed” it and even put best “clothe” to cover it and to make it prettier.

Same thing goes with your companion in life, a.k.a partner. You trust your secret to them by telling them, go with them everywhere you go, using “their features” (their love, care, helping hand, etc), let them hold your hand, and let them cherish me, etc etc.

I have learned my lesson there. Maybe if I forced myself to buy my galaxy-dream-cell-phone, it will be a lot more durable &; longer lasting. I know it’s more expensive but I don’t have to buy some more or in my case, hospitalized some more in the near future. So I was saving after all.

Back to the companion-in-life topic. Maybe I should find someone who’s not only fulfilling my needs, but also with better durability and endurance, I know He’ll cost me more, in terms of effort, time spent, and everything. But then he’ll be a longer lasting partner ;)

And how about my Cappucinno?

She’s still at the hospital… and she’s been three weeks there :’( .
aaahhh. I miss her.

Kamis, Januari 05, 2012 at 05.28 , 4 Comments | Links to this post