My Deepest Apology

Another friday come.

As usual, I feel so anxious. To go back home to my city and  to see Dafa, ahh, I 've been missing him quite a lot this week. Just hearing his voice on the phone or looking at his pics made me smile. :) but no, I'm not gonna bore you about Dafa.. (Not in this piece of writing anyway :D )

I just wanna tell that I finally come at peace with my mind and heart.
I had excepted my loss, and admitted my stupidity.  Excepted that I was being a fool, almost leaving a diamond to keep some cheap pebble.

I also felt devastated, learning that someone is still felt hurt and ache, because of my stupidity. I will be forever in debt to him because of this. I am truly sorry. I knew that I will never be able to change the past, or to extract those bad memories from his head, nor simply vanishing his heart-ache. 

It appeared to be,
My stupidity had engraved deep.
Not just grazing his heart,
But tear it apart

If I could, I would scream my forgiveness for the world to hear,
Or just hug him to overcome his fear
Or cut myself and present him my heart 
And let him know that we'll never be part

*****
I'm so sorry, Eagle  :)

Sabtu, Mei 05, 2012 at 12.16 , 0 Comments | Links to this post

Passing by

Yesterday, I was waiting for the bus to take me home.I had known the schedule, knew where to wait for it, and also felt confident that I will get on the bus, and would be arriving at my city in two hours.

But then, something unpredictable happened. Rows of bus that were stopping in front of the bus stop, just blocked the view of my bus's driver. I had tried to wave my hand to stop it, but it wouldn't stop. *sigh

At first I have imagined that I will ride that particular bus, that will be passing my bus stop at that precise times, and I will be arriving at my hometown at exactly two hours afterwards.

I was so sure. Positive. Totally certain.

But then  the bus just passed.

Not because I was late, not because I stayed on the wrong bus stop, and not because I lost my sight and missed it. No.It was because there were other busses in front of me.The bus couldn’t stop in front of me because of it was being blocked, and it was forced to take the other lane. What I felt then? Disappointed, of course. I had woken up early, very very early just to catch that first bus. The fact that I was a little bit ill and had to drag myself out of the bed just made everything feel worse. The feeling of having to wait for another hour made it more worse. But the worst thing were, It killed all my dreams and hopes. But then I got to get a grip of myself. So instead of waiting for another bus to come,

I searched for it.



I went to the bus station to get another bus.

 I reached for my future, Instead of waiting for it to happen


 :)
 -R 

Kamis, April 05, 2012 at 15.37 , 0 Comments | Links to this post

On The Air VS In Love

..My first flying-experience.


36 thousand feet above the air..


My heart lurched.


Magnificent.


So that was how it felt to fly..


I was beyond words.


Those fluffy white clouds,

The sun that shone so brilliantly,

The bright blue sky,

And Seemingly-endless horizon

No limit

And No boundaries


Though sometime there were eerie feeling that accompanied the marvel.


Thinking that I was in that altitude, and thought about what happened if something gone wrong.

Hmm.. The only enemy while in the air were only gravity.


Gravity keeps u standing on the ground, but In the air, gravity will be very mean. He'll pull you down 10 meters per second, and will be crushing you to the ground.

So hard.


Lethal.


And No mercy.



It's just the same with falling in love..


At first you'll feel magnificent, happy, amazed, and fearless.


Heart lurching, butterflies in stomach, the gleam in the eyes, the endless smile pasted on your face, and not to mention the dopey + soaring feelings.


All because of falling in love.


But when something gone wrong, like unrequitted love and being played at.. It's like jumping without parachute, and let gravity pulls you down.


So hard.


Lethal


And without mercy.


..And if you survived, you will have to collect pieces of you, and had to put its shatters one by one. piece by piece.


When you feel your stronger and ready to go again, suddenly one piece-just one small piece-decided to gave up, and all of the other pieces will shattered again.


Everytime you try to move on, there would always be pieces that gave up, and shattered everthing again. It'd happen On and on again.


Until when?


Maybe until you've found something that's strong enough to hold on to, something that plug in so deeply in the ground. Stands still in storm, wind, rain, and heat. But yet still be soft to hold. Something that will be there to help you up and always keeping you from missing one piece :)


-----------------

..Taking a really deep breath while writing this.


-R

Kamis, Maret 29, 2012 at 09.09 , 0 Comments | Links to this post

The Open Book

People often say that eyes are the window of the soul.

Why? Maybe because we can easily tell lies with our lips + tongue, but the eyes.. They wouldn't be able to lie.


There'll be a spark in My eyes if I feel happy and content,


There'll be a flicker on them, should I feel doubt


There'll be a glint, that reflected the spirit and light from the opponent's eyes


They will be fluttering with worries and mysterious lies


And they will Shine like a lighthouse, looking at his eyes.


They will be empty with sorrow and sadness

And blazing hot with rage and madness


They will be steaming hot with passion,

And soften with compassion,


The eyes, the smile and their brilliant ray

An open book, people may say.



------

.. my eyes = my feelings

#another unimportant writing



-R

Rabu, Maret 14, 2012 at 15.27 , 0 Comments | Links to this post

Temptation


Friday, on the bus. As usual.

But this time I got a seat. *yaaaayy*

Since I had to visit my client, and able to came early and caught the bus to my hometown.



I have been trying to look back this past week. Trying to figure out things to spill over here.


There were soo many interesting things happened this week, but I found one thing quite interesting *and mind-blowing* errgh.


It was about the placement I made. She was about to join the new company, all process were successfully passed, and suddenly.. She decided to withdrew.


Damn. Double damn. Damn, damn,,,


The reason?


Because her current company just raised her income, and suddenly, her boss were acting sooooo nice and treat her like cinderella *rolleyes* what a temptation.


Hmm..


That made me think much. So very much.


When you decided something, it'll be like you decide to swim in a flooded river, upstream.


The stream will hit your face very hard as you tried to swim. Your strokes will be very heavy, your arms will be hurting like hell, and your legs will be screaming in pain, as you tried to paddle, fighting the stream that kept pushing you backwards. You even couldn't stand up straight, without getting yourself carried away by the dangerously hard stream. Even to stand up and breathe, you will find it so damn hard. The stream is just too hard. With nothing for you to hold on to. You can only hold on to one thing. Your will, and it's also getting thinner every seconds


So ridiculously hard.


The stream is just like temptations, they will force you to give out, to give up, to finally let yourself stop fighting. To let yourself surrender to the stream, get carried away, and to be a lot more further from your goal.


Every decision u made, has its own consequences..


And it depends on your will,

To fight for it, or just to be carried away by the over-flowing stream.


It's totally not easy to fight the stream, you will come undone, with lots of bruises, scars, pains, marks and everything.


But you will be proud of yourself. To be able to win the battle with the stream, and also the hardest battle: the battle with yourself, the battle to fight the temptation to give up


You CAN!

--------------------------

- Based on personal experience, paddling my As* fighting different streams :D There were always another stream waiting to be fought after finishing the last one.


note:

- take a deep breath before you decide to dive and fight the stream

and just believe: There always be a light at the end of the tunnel.



-R

Senin, Maret 05, 2012 at 11.01 , 0 Comments | Links to this post

The Pursuit Of Dreams

One thing that I feel after the separation was that I tried to put my dreams aside.

There are lots of thing that I have to turned down a notch (or sometimes few notches), due to the complication it will cause if I had done so.

I dreamed of going back to school, to get master's degree, but then I had to provide for Dafa, and it'd be rather difficult for single-mom like me, to work and go to college at the same time


I dreamed of having Dafa live with me, but my job is at the other part of the region, 110kms away.. So I have to strengthen my body and mind, *and budget also* so I can go back and forth every week.


I dreamed of having the securities over my life, the never-worries, the feeling secured and save, the contentment..


I dreamed of being able to spread my wings and fly, and to feel the wind on my face, to go as far as I could..
As high as I can reach..
And build my castle on the sky..

For Dafa, and for myself.


Ah.


Please God. Let all my dreams come true.


-------------------------------

Thank you for being there, to come and change my whole life

To allow me to do something I've never allowed myself to do before :
To dream, and truly believe with all my mind and heart, that my dreams will easily come true.



-R




Minggu, Februari 26, 2012 at 11.36 , 1 Comment | Links to this post

Dafa's Taekwondo Lesson

It's been a while since the last time I write about Dafa,
My little-Man :D

He's been coping a lot since the separation, I have never had major worries about him.
He's strong outside, but so soft and sensitive inside. He's funny and witty, He gets along with people so easily.


Aahhhhaahaaaaa.. enough.. Moms will never stop if she's asked to write about their children.

My Dafa is now 7, will be 8 this year. I had started to put him in a Qur'an-reading-class starting last year. It's actually a private lesson, whereas He has to read & learn Qur'an face-to-face with his Tutor (He calls his Tutor Granpa).

Sometimes he got really bored with his lesson (maybe because he prefers my innovative teaching-method more :D), and he decided to 'play truant'. Wkwkkwkw.. made me wonder, where did he learned this kinda skill? never thought of him to be able to do such thing.
..maybe he's a little boy after all, who gets bored really fast :D


I tried to find some solution for this problem, and finally got the answer when my students told me about Taekwondo Lesson they attend. I was thinking: "Wow. this is perfect.. He'll be able to learn new skill, has lots of new friends, gain a lot more confidence, and alsoooo.. I would never had to hire bodyguard anymore." :D *just my luck*

I then enrolled him in for Taekwondo lesson. IDR 50 thousand per month, for twice a week lesson. :D He reaaaallly enjoy the lessons, and always looking forward for Sunday morning and Thursday afternoon ;).

And the good thing is, he never miss his Qur'an-reading-class anymore... yeaaaaa \m/
He becomes a lot more confident, and responsible.

But I get 'my share' of the thrill..

Having to wake up early in weekdays, i also have to do so on Saturday (he goes to school at 6 a.m.) and after signing up for the taekwondo lesson, I also HAVE to get up really early in SUNDAY :'(

huaaaaaaaaa :'( no more waking up late for me....*sigh*


And I also has to face my my worst nightmare, which is his Taekwondo-clothes

It’s WHITE, and it’s so very THICK..


My worst nightmare happens on the washing session


I already hate white clothes, and now I have to scrub ( I don’t believe in washing machine, still have to rub and scrub it with my hands, before putting the clothes in the washing machine :D )… not only the giant-white-shirt, but also the-giant-white-trousers, that he used it to sit on ANY kind of SURFACE (dirty-mostly) :P


Haisshhyy.. I love Dafa taking his Taekwondo lesson..


But sometimes I wished he took “pencak silat” lesson instead (the costume is black, of course :P)


-----------------------------------------

Get well soon, Nak..


Ibu love you so much..




-R



Senin, Februari 20, 2012 at 12.26 , 1 Comment | Links to this post