feeling down


I just met my girlfriend few days ago, she happens to be a singlemom like me, she has a 7 years old daughter. I had good time seeing that friend of mine, it felt really good to had someone to talk to, someone that had felt the same way I did..
We both had stood in the same shoe, and had been through same stuffs.

But her daughter is luckier .. Her father had always supported her, and had always been there when she needs Him.

I was allrite hearing that at that moment,
but after few days past..........
I looked at Dafa and remembered his irresponsible father
I felt.. sad.


and just yesterday.. i saw another friend, that also a singlemom...
she just finished her master's degree and on her way to her PhD..

I felt even sadder.


much much more sad than before.

i looked at myself..
What am I now?
.. just nothing..

-------
God, I'm thankful for all your blessings and gifts that you have given me..
but sometimes I feel that this is too hard for me to bear.

If this is only envy and jealousy, please take those feelings away..
please replace them with happiness and contentment..

please guide my steps Oh God..
I'm blind without your guidance..


Kamis, November 25, 2010 at 17.43 , 5 Comments | Links to this post

Things that make me happy

I just bumped into an article, a really good one I suppose. It told us how 8 simple things can make women feel happier. housewife in particular..

But why did I feel like crying when I read it?

Because maybe.... I did found few things that made me happy. Ah no, not a few, there's only one thing in that list that I can do, and makes me happy... seeing Dafa's smile.

The other 7 would be a privilege for me :) maybe that's why i felt like crying. Because I simply can't afford even the simplest things..not even a *me-time*

But then again, i began to ask myself another simple question: "What are the things in life that can make me feel happier?"

-following other people's expectation on me?
-or do whatever I want, without thinking about other people thoughts?

the problem is... I have taken wrong decisions since i was 14, doing what I want, and regretted the consequences years later.

And now.. i got confused.

i'm scared to do *what I want*.. afraid that what I'd chose would result regretful things..
but following other people expectation? well.. people will never be satisfied on me, there will always be flaws in me that lead to criticism.. remember the tale of the Father, the Son and the donkey? :)

ah.. I'm so pathetic.
i don't even know what makes me happy..



Jumat, Oktober 22, 2010 at 23.56 , 2 Comments | Links to this post

exhausted & recharged

I closed my eyes and took a deep breath.


Exhausted..


I wished the stress and the strain will come out with every single breath I exhaled. I took another few deep breaths, then pulling my scooter’s key from the keyhole. I got off from motorcycle, and secured my gate.


Another gulp of breath.


I went inside the house. Took off my helmet, my riding gloves and scarf. I then kicked my shoes. They flew to the bottom of the wooden chair and landed with a thud. I took a big glass of water, the water went inside me in few swallows.

I move half-heartedly around the house. I checked Dafa in his room. He’s asleep, his sitter must have made him slept half an hour before.


Ahh… another night without playing with Dafa at night.


I sit on his bed and caress his back slowly. Dim light from his night light framed his angelic face. Ah. Such a wonderful sight. One second, I was amazed with the beautiful image before my eyes. But the next second, guilt washed over me, like a tsunami.


I’m sorry champ, I wasn’t there for you. I had to work. Long hours. Long work hours, and even longer mom hours.


Suddenly I feel tears running down to my cheek. an the exhaustion bombarded me.


The getting up early, preparing him to school, cooking, cleaning up, taking him to school, picking him back in the hour after, helping his homework, playing with him. And then working in the office, managing, teaching, making worksheets,. And as if they were not enough, teaching private lesson at night. All by myself.


Another exhaustion slipped right through me, and skipped a beat of my heart. And another drip of tears went rolling.


I wish I wasn’t all alone like this.


I buried my face inside my hand.


“Mooomh?” Dafa stirred in his sleep, he opened his eye a little bit. Maybe he was awake because of my crying. I wiped my tears and tried to obliterate last signs of crying.


“Yes, Champ?” I caressed his cheek lightly. He opened his eyes bigger, and he was smiling.


“I missed you.” he said, and he yawned.


“Me too” I almost shed a tear again, but I held it with all my might. Dafa smiled again, and he was hugging my hand. He was then back to sleep again.


Gone was all my exhaustion, seen his smile and felt his hug.


“Thanks Champ. Your smile made me strong again.” I whispered to him, and kissed his cheek.


..batteries recharged.


Off to another work to do. This time, with smile on my face, and spirit in my heart.

Sabtu, Juli 31, 2010 at 05.38 , 3 Comments | Links to this post

Netbook-case Hunting

I was looking for some contact lenses in a dept.store downtown, when I bumped into a small kiosk that sold handmade bags and handicrafts. I fell in love instantly with a 10-inch netbook softcase, but held back the urge to buy it when I found out the price. Deep in my heart, I said: “I think I can found something cheaper somewhere else”. I left the stall without buying anything, but kept a business card instead.


Weeks went by, and the need of having to buy the softcase was increasing. The net book already got it’s envelope-model softcase (it looked like an envelope, with a giant Velcro on top of it :D).. but I still need the zipper model, a case that covers, but you can easily opened if you need it (I like practical things ;) ). So then I decided to take a walk to the nearest mall here (Bandung Supermall) and tried to find the dreamt softcase.. :P


Mum and Dafa wanted to come, so I took them with me.. I searched store by store, and couldn’t find that softcase that suits me…

It was mum who got lucky, she accidentally found a nice and not-too-expensive and fits and … “just perfect”

As for me, I didn’t found what I want…. Same thing happened when I tried another mall a week after, I literally walked around every corners and bends.. but still.. couldn’t found what I want..


Why? Because 10” softcase are still very rare, and that made the models and choices were very limited. It’s very different if you need 12” or 14” softcases.. you can go to just a store and easily found something u’d like.


Then, when I finally found that hard-to-find 10”, I couldn’t stand the pattern. Whether it’s too girly (pinkish.. :-&) or too kinky (leopard or tiger prints). I couldn’t pick both of them because dafa will be using the netbook as well, a boy wearing pink? Yeah. rite.


When I found the ‘plain colored’ 10”, I hate the material. It was not waterproof..and too plain :D.


And when I found the right and sturdy + waterproof material… I goggled at the price.. so expensive, and it’s also too plain :D


When I got home with blistered feet and extreme fatigue… I then realized… that the whole “finding netbook case-adventure” was somewhat like my own ‘finding husband-to-be’ adventure…


For once, it was really hard… because the kind of man I want is not ‘just available’ in stock.. just like the way the 10” did. What kind of man I want? Well, The mature and ‘accepts-me and my plus one’ kind of man J. Not every man can live with my conditions. Younger men tends to be ignorant to my son, and older more mature men have the tendency of being distant to him. I can’t blame those men, Can i? Then.. I’d much prefer calmness than exuberance (like the leopard print :P).. but not too plain and serene too… that would kill me to be enthusiastic over something, but he just remain undisturbed (rolleyes).


I also need him to be tough, and "waterproof" ... --> proven strong against family dispute :P But somewhat.. sensitive ;)

ahahhahah, maybe I have found the right man.. but He... already has a BOYfriend.... (rofl)


Oh yeah.. and as for my netbook case? I came back to the first handicraft store with Dafa.. and I let him chose what he wanted :) he chose something that fits him and me.. I like the material, the model, the pics.. (well, I don't really like zombie faces, but I can live with that :P .. better than strawberry prints, though. lol) and the colors too. And what I liked the most was... Its "One-of-a-kind" ;) We finally had the softcase we both love... Yaaay!!


...That kinda made me think... instead of looking my "perfect version" of a husband-to-be all by myself, I should let Dafa decides.. ;)


So.. to all the men out there.. Win Dafa's heart first,, then you'll get HIS plus one...


Yap. Me

:D


Sabtu, Mei 08, 2010 at 08.32 , 5 Comments | Links to this post

These two years

I've been thinking about my love-life for the past two yaers...
.. there are moments that made me smile, moments that made me cry.. and some of them that made me 'fly' and some of the moments.... wet my pants off (lol).

But to think it all over again, those moments were beautiful...
they all had given me experiences, new point of views.. and even new skills ;)
on top of that, they had taught me how to meet new people, made new friends... and encouraged me to 'move on'
and they also had given me the lessons in life.. something that you would not have learned at school, or by reading a book..

you know what, I wrote this post, because i just realized, that in two years that had passsed, I was being left (to marriages) by... 4 guys... and will be five this june ..

maybe you'll wonder why...
but let me tell you something...
i was left not because i was being unfaithful, but it was simply because i was afraid of 'commitment'
:) yes..
that was it... they wanted to get married soon enough, while me? I wasn't...

Most of 'those men' were people aged from 27 until 32... men that were "can't wait to be stranded in a leash called marriage"
While me? i just get off from one, why would I want to be stranded again? hahahhahahahha
Sorry, people ^:)^ I was jusst being sarcastic :P
it's still kinda hurt being left.. even though I was the one who chose to be left :P

hmm... that kinda remembers me... there was one time, I left a guy.. just because I didn't want him to be burdened by me and my 'extra package'
I didn't know why.. but I just thought that "I cared about him too much, and I don't want him to be burdened by my condition"

To thought about it again... I was being STUPID!!! I would never know how much he could struggle for me, wouldn't I?

Hmmm, I guess.. next time I feel comfortable with a guy.. I have to be sure how far he will go for me...

Do pray for me, that I will get the best for me? Please?

Thank you.. :*


Minggu, Maret 21, 2010 at 19.20 , 9 Comments | Links to this post

Paranoid

In the middle of my trying-to-forgive...
Suddenly Rega called, after months not hearing from him.

"I'm at Dafa's school. I want to take him out. it's my day off today." He said.
I was surprised. If I could, I wanted to scream at his face.. told him to get his friggin' as* away from our-perfect-already life.

But I couldn't.

There are Ex-wives, and ex husbands.. but there are no such thing as ex-children..
I have no right to keep him away from his own Son, have I?
... but still.. I'm so damn worried. and afraid. and .. ahhhhhh.. speechless.

maybe I was being jealous. and hurt.

Jealous, because after his presence.. I won't be his center of the universe again..

Hurt, and angry. Wondering here had he been all these months?
where was he when Daffa needs attention?
was he even care to call?
Was he even dare to show up at all?

ah. damn.
I'm counting minutes now..
hoping hours will go by quickly..
and when I count to ten, Daffa will be in my arms again..

mmh. i just realized that i was so afraid.
Afraid that Rega will take away Daffa from me.
I know that it's almost impossible.
For He has to face my whole big family, if he wants to take Daffa away.
Oh, correction.. no need to involve the big family.
Me alone will make his life like living hell ....
..



aahh..
Oh dear God.. Please take care of Daffa..

Jumat, Februari 12, 2010 at 11.01 , 3 Comments | Links to this post

A letter to myself

Dear myself....

I know that you've been through a lot lately...
those rough times, bruising and damaging...
even though hard to admit it, it felt like making a Horcrux out of your soul...
Soul-splitting.. yeah... but like Voldemort.. it made him indestructible..
.. hopefully it made you too... hopefully it made you stronger.. in many ways..

Myself..
Maybe it's hard for you, but I am expecting you to forgive...
"..forgiving whooo???" .. may be you'll ask me that, with that frown on your face... (ahhh, do please don't frown like that, you should worry about the wrinkle it'll give in 5 years time..)

Myself.. it's really time for you to forgive..
forgive things that you couldn't do..
forgive the way things went wrong..
forgive how you can change things... but mostly..
you have to learn to forgive yourself..
that way you will easily forgive other things.. including forgiving him.

..it's hard.. i know. but I know you can.

Myself, do please praise yourself for things that you have successfully done last year..
and don't forget people who helped you gaining it, and thank them...
that way you will how to
appreciate yourself, and appreciate others too.

Myself,
always remember, that
happiness does not rely on how much do you have, but it relies upon how much you give..

Myself,
maybe you have to learn to
earn something...
not to stand aside and just hoping that you have that something.
so get on your feet and REACH!!
..but always finish what you have started..

Myself...learn to trust others... and do please learn to trust yourself too..
I now that they will not always be reliable..
so this way you will learn how to trust but in a cautious way.

... do all this..
and maybe you will be a better person :)

Bandung, Jan 2nd 2010

Rana

Sabtu, Januari 02, 2010 at 01.37 , 3 Comments | Links to this post