Diary of a Single Mom

I just bumped into an article, a really good one I suppose. It told us how 8 simple things can make women feel happier. housewife in particular..

I closed my eyes and took a deep breath.

Exhausted..

I wished the stress and the strain will come out with every single breath I exhaled. I took another few deep breaths, then pulling my scooter’s key from the keyhole. I got off from motorcycle, and secured my gate.

Another gulp of breath.

I went inside the house. Took off my helmet, my riding gloves and scarf. I then kicked my shoes. They flew to the bottom of the wooden chair and landed with a thud. I took a big glass of water, the water went inside me in few swallows.

I move half-heartedly around the house. I checked Dafa in his room. He’s asleep, his sitter must have made him slept half an hour before.

Ahh… another night without playing with Dafa at night.

I sit on his bed and caress his back slowly. Dim light from his night light framed his angelic face. Ah. Such a wonderful sight. One second, I was amazed with the beautiful image before my eyes. But the next second, guilt washed over me, like a tsunami.

I’m sorry champ, I wasn’t there for you. I had to work. Long hours. Long work hours, and even longer mom hours.

Suddenly I feel tears running down to my cheek. an the exhaustion bombarded me.

The getting up early, preparing him to school, cooking, cleaning up, taking him to school, picking him back in the hour after, helping his homework, playing with him. And then working in the office, managing, teaching, making worksheets,. And as if they were not enough, teaching private lesson at night. All by myself.

Another exhaustion slipped right through me, and skipped a beat of my heart. And another drip of tears went rolling.

I wish I wasn’t all alone like this.

I buried my face inside my hand.

“Mooomh?” Dafa stirred in his sleep, he opened his eye a little bit. Maybe he was awake because of my crying. I wiped my tears and tried to obliterate last signs of crying.

“Yes, Champ?” I caressed his cheek lightly. He opened his eyes bigger, and he was smiling.

“I missed you.” he said, and he yawned.

“Me too” I almost shed a tear again, but I held it with all my might. Dafa smiled again, and he was hugging my hand. He was then back to sleep again.

Gone was all my exhaustion, seen his smile and felt his hug.

“Thanks Champ. Your smile made me strong again.” I whispered to him, and kissed his cheek.

..batteries recharged.

Off to another work to do. This time, with smile on my face, and spirit in my heart.

I was looking for some contact lenses in a dept.store downtown, when I bumped into a small kiosk that sold handmade bags and handicrafts. I fell in love instantly with a 10-inch netbook softcase, but held back the urge to buy it when I found out the price. Deep in my heart, I said: “I think I can found something cheaper somewhere else”. I left the stall without buying anything, but kept a business card instead.

Weeks went by, and the need of having to buy the softcase was increasing. The net book already got it’s envelope-model softcase (it looked like an envelope, with a giant Velcro on top of it :D).. but I still need the zipper model, a case that covers, but you can easily opened if you need it (I like practical things ;) ). So then I decided to take a walk to the nearest mall here (Bandung Supermall) and tried to find the dreamt softcase.. :P

Mum and Dafa wanted to come, so I took them with me.. I searched store by store, and couldn’t find that softcase that suits me…

It was mum who got lucky, she accidentally found a nice and not-too-expensive and fits and … “just perfect”

As for me, I didn’t found what I want…. Same thing happened when I tried another mall a week after, I literally walked around every corners and bends.. but still.. couldn’t found what I want..

Why? Because 10” softcase are still very rare, and that made the models and choices were very limited. It’s very different if you need 12” or 14” softcases.. you can go to just a store and easily found something u’d like.

Then, when I finally found that hard-to-find 10”, I couldn’t stand the pattern. Whether it’s too girly (pinkish.. :-&) or too kinky (leopard or tiger prints). I couldn’t pick both of them because dafa will be using the netbook as well, a boy wearing pink? Yeah. rite.

When I found the ‘plain colored’ 10”, I hate the material. It was not waterproof..and too plain :D.

And when I found the right and sturdy + waterproof material… I goggled at the price.. so expensive, and it’s also too plain :D

When I got home with blistered feet and extreme fatigue… I then realized… that the whole “finding netbook case-adventure” was somewhat like my own ‘finding husband-to-be’ adventure…

For once, it was really hard… because the kind of man I want is not ‘just available’ in stock.. just like the way the 10” did. What kind of man I want? Well, The mature and ‘accepts-me and my plus one’ kind of man J. Not every man can live with my conditions. Younger men tends to be ignorant to my son, and older more mature men have the tendency of being distant to him. I can’t blame those men, Can i? Then.. I’d much prefer calmness than exuberance (like the leopard print :P).. but not too plain and serene too… that would kill me to be enthusiastic over something, but he just remain undisturbed (rolleyes).

I also need him to be tough, and "waterproof" ... --> proven strong against family dispute :P But somewhat.. sensitive ;)

ahahhahah, maybe I have found the right man.. but He... already has a BOYfriend.... (rofl)

Oh yeah.. and as for my netbook case? I came back to the first handicraft store with Dafa.. and I let him chose what he wanted :) he chose something that fits him and me.. I like the material, the model, the pics.. (well, I don't really like zombie faces, but I can live with that :P .. better than strawberry prints, though. lol) and the colors too. And what I liked the most was... Its "One-of-a-kind" ;) We finally had the softcase we both love... Yaaay!!

...That kinda made me think... instead of looking my "perfect version" of a husband-to-be all by myself, I should let Dafa decides.. ;)

So.. to all the men out there.. Win Dafa's heart first,, then you'll get HIS plus one...

Yap. Me

:D

In the middle of my trying-to-forgive...
Suddenly Rega called, after months not hearing from him.

"I'm at Dafa's school. I want to take him out. it's my day off today." He said.
I was surprised. If I could, I wanted to scream at his face.. told him to get his friggin' as* away from our-perfect-already life.

But I couldn't.

There are Ex-wives, and ex husbands.. but there are no such thing as ex-children..
I have no right to keep him away from his own Son, have I?
... but still.. I'm so damn worried. and afraid. and .. ahhhhhh.. speechless.

maybe I was being jealous. and hurt.

Jealous, because after his presence.. I won't be his center of the universe again..

Hurt, and angry. Wondering here had he been all these months?
where was he when Daffa needs attention?
was he even care to call?
Was he even dare to show up at all?

ah. damn.
I'm counting minutes now..
hoping hours will go by quickly..
and when I count to ten, Daffa will be in my arms again..

mmh. i just realized that i was so afraid.
Afraid that Rega will take away Daffa from me.
I know that it's almost impossible.
For He has to face my whole big family, if he wants to take Daffa away.
Oh, correction.. no need to involve the big family.
Me alone will make his life like living hell ....
..



aahh..
Oh dear God.. Please take care of Daffa..

Dear myself....

I know that you've been through a lot lately...
those rough times, bruising and damaging...
even though hard to admit it, it felt like making a Horcrux out of your soul...
Soul-splitting.. yeah... but like Voldemort.. it made him indestructible..
.. hopefully it made you too... hopefully it made you stronger.. in many ways..

Myself..
Maybe it's hard for you, but I am expecting you to forgive...
"..forgiving whooo???" .. may be you'll ask me that, with that frown on your face... (ahhh, do please don't frown like that, you should worry about the wrinkle it'll give in 5 years time..)
Myself.. it's really time for you to forgive..
forgive things that you couldn't do..
forgive the way things went wrong..
forgive how you can change things... but mostly..
you have to learn to forgive yourself..
that way you will easily forgive other things.. including forgiving him.

..it's hard.. i know. but I know you can.

Myself, do please praise yourself for things that you have successfully done last year..
and don't forget people who helped you gaining it, and thank them...
that way you will how to appreciate yourself, and appreciate others too.

Myself,
always remember, that happiness does not rely on how much do you have, but it relies upon how much you give..

Myself,
maybe you have to learn to earn something...
not to stand aside and just hoping that you have that something.
so get on your feet and REACH!!
..but always finish what you have started..

Myself...learn to trust others... and do please learn to trust yourself too..
I now that they will not always be reliable..
so this way you will learn how to trust but in a cautious way.

... do all this..
and maybe you will be a better person :)

Bandung, Jan 2nd 2010

Rana