Diary of a Single Mom

It’s WHITE, and it’s so very THICK..

My worst nightmare happens on the washing session

I already hate white clothes, and now I have to scrub ( I don’t believe in washing machine, still have to rub and scrub it with my hands, before putting the clothes in the washing machine :D )… not only the giant-white-shirt, but also the-giant-white-trousers, that he used it to sit on ANY kind of SURFACE (dirty-mostly) :P

Haisshhyy.. I love Dafa taking his Taekwondo lesson..

But sometimes I wished he took “pencak silat” lesson instead (the costume is black, of course :P)

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Get well soon, Nak..

Ibu love you so much..

On my way to go to my home city again,, this time getting soaked in rain, and waiting with heavy carrier on my back. I have never gotten any seats on the ride home since its already full, but most of the times, I can sit on the bus stairs, on the front entrance.

This time.. I have to stand up.

Standing alone, with big carrier is tiring. Imagine that u have to stand on high heels, with the rockin' of the bus, and also having to brace yourself every time the bus driver pushing the brakes, and doing all that for approximately 110 kms. Its.so.damn.hard.

But the bright side is.. I get to work on my leg and butt muscles :D :p

Sometimes I get to sit in the bus, and sometimes I don't. it's ups and downs in riding the bus home ..

Every little thing has their ups and downs.

Sometimes you get the good things, sometimes you get the bad..

Like in my work.. .most of the time, my work is stressfull, it's like struggling with time, you're few minutes late and you wouldn't get deals. Late replying emails from clients means also losing deals, being unthorough with the profiles will cause loses for the candidates. Not to mention the uncommitted candidate and also withdrawing candidate, but the worst of all, client's complains.. Haissyyh :(

But every downs must be followed by every ups.

My ups will be the laughter and jokes amongst my colleague, the satisfaction after placing deals, and also the one who'd always given me support, even though I cannot see him, he's always there when I need him. And even though he's busy, he'll always have time 4 me. Just said hi, and he already brighten up my day. :)

He's just like the Prince Charming riding his horse, to save the sleeping beauty from her tiresome spell. :p

*sheessh, Rana, u'r being soooo dreamyy* :p.

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-still being poisoned by the needle, and waiting for my prince..

Let your fingers touch my cheeks lightly, run them slowly along my jaw lines.

and kiss me softly, you will. Break the spell and wake me up.

Let you be the first one I see when I wake up,

and let your smile will be the first thing that will warm my heart.

Hold my hand and Take me away, Prince..

And let us ride the wind, wherever it may take us..

-R

Sheesh.

This headache. This problems..

It throbs in my head. I want to get out and scream. But does that really worth it? No I don’t think so..

If there’s any poison Apple, I’d like to take a bite. and let me feel the bile,

gone into the abyss, let me stay there for a while,

Gone will all the headache..

lost will all the pain.

Let the Prince Charming come and wake me,

rescue me, kiss me.

Ahh.

-R

:D

Throughout what happened to me, I gained a lot more independency through the years. Hmm, on a second thought, I've always been independent and standing on my own two feet, -especially in matters of income- since I was little.. I think that's my nature. And The sense of independency just grew more stronger now.

The thing that really struck me about this independence-thingy is when I'm going out with a guy :D and the matter is : "who's paying" :D

Since college, I already made my own money, not much, but enough to have fun. When he asked me out, I then always said : "Ok, u pay for the movie and I'll pay for the food". He, *the penniless college student* couldn't agree more :D. That happened on and on and on, and sometimes I am the one that had to pay for everything. I didn't mind with that.

But then, when the boyfriend turned to husband, the customary just went on. At first it was ok for me to handle house bills I had thought that it was part of being a helpful wife. But then.. It got worse. He never thought about the household needs, and he became dependent on me. Then he also depended other things, and another, and another and more more another things for me to pay.

I kept my mouth shut and paid the bills, even after the divorce. Just to ensure my sanity.

From then, I *stupidly* still kept that "let me pay" custom. Not because I was being polite, but merely because it hits my independency ego :)

But one day, my beloved trainer from the office, Ms. Yunita, pointed out my mistakes.. "Rana.. You HAVE to try to stop being independent in a relationship. Just let yourself DEPEND on a man, let him takes care of you. If you don't, then it will be the same pattern over and over again"

She also told me that she had known that it would be so hard for me to give up independency, but she had suggested me to try from the simplest thing.

..And yeah. It's so damn hard not to pay for the bills when going out with Dafa :D (he's 7 years old and so cute, could not resist the urge to spoil him sometimes)

And yet, I still went totally panic when going out to a dinner with a man, and I forgot withdrawing money from the atm. Damn. Damn. I got so panicky. I didn't let my self think that I was going out with a man, that has eyes, mouth, ears.. and wallet, and also pride.

I was hurting his feelings and pride, by being panic, and didn't trust him to be able to handle everything.

So hard indeed to let myself depend on man. :(

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So the man that challenge me most will be someone that will take care of me, and force make me dependent on him entirely. Body, mind and soul. :)

-R