Diary of a Single Mom

:D

Throughout what happened to me, I gained a lot more independency through the years. Hmm, on a second thought, I've always been independent and standing on my own two feet, -especially in matters of income- since I was little.. I think that's my nature. And The sense of independency just grew more stronger now.

The thing that really struck me about this independence-thingy is when I'm going out with a guy :D and the matter is : "who's paying" :D

Since college, I already made my own money, not much, but enough to have fun. When he asked me out, I then always said : "Ok, u pay for the movie and I'll pay for the food". He, *the penniless college student* couldn't agree more :D. That happened on and on and on, and sometimes I am the one that had to pay for everything. I didn't mind with that.

But then, when the boyfriend turned to husband, the customary just went on. At first it was ok for me to handle house bills I had thought that it was part of being a helpful wife. But then.. It got worse. He never thought about the household needs, and he became dependent on me. Then he also depended other things, and another, and another and more more another things for me to pay.

I kept my mouth shut and paid the bills, even after the divorce. Just to ensure my sanity.

From then, I *stupidly* still kept that "let me pay" custom. Not because I was being polite, but merely because it hits my independency ego :)

But one day, my beloved trainer from the office, Ms. Yunita, pointed out my mistakes.. "Rana.. You HAVE to try to stop being independent in a relationship. Just let yourself DEPEND on a man, let him takes care of you. If you don't, then it will be the same pattern over and over again"

She also told me that she had known that it would be so hard for me to give up independency, but she had suggested me to try from the simplest thing.

..And yeah. It's so damn hard not to pay for the bills when going out with Dafa :D (he's 7 years old and so cute, could not resist the urge to spoil him sometimes)

And yet, I still went totally panic when going out to a dinner with a man, and I forgot withdrawing money from the atm. Damn. Damn. I got so panicky. I didn't let my self think that I was going out with a man, that has eyes, mouth, ears.. and wallet, and also pride.

I was hurting his feelings and pride, by being panic, and didn't trust him to be able to handle everything.

So hard indeed to let myself depend on man. :(

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So the man that challenge me most will be someone that will take care of me, and force make me dependent on him entirely. Body, mind and soul. :)

-R