Diary of a Single Mom

My heart lurched.

Magnificent.

So that was how it felt to fly..

I was beyond words.

Those fluffy white clouds,

The sun that shone so brilliantly,

The bright blue sky,

And Seemingly-endless horizon

No limit

And No boundaries

Though sometime there were eerie feeling that accompanied the marvel.

Thinking that I was in that altitude, and thought about what happened if something gone wrong.

Hmm.. The only enemy while in the air were only gravity.

Gravity keeps u standing on the ground, but In the air, gravity will be very mean. He'll pull you down 10 meters per second, and will be crushing you to the ground.

So hard.

Lethal.

And No mercy.

It's just the same with falling in love..

At first you'll feel magnificent, happy, amazed, and fearless.

Heart lurching, butterflies in stomach, the gleam in the eyes, the endless smile pasted on your face, and not to mention the dopey + soaring feelings.

All because of falling in love.

But when something gone wrong, like unrequitted love and being played at.. It's like jumping without parachute, and let gravity pulls you down.

So hard.

Lethal

And without mercy.

..And if you survived, you will have to collect pieces of you, and had to put its shatters one by one. piece by piece.

When you feel your stronger and ready to go again, suddenly one piece-just one small piece-decided to gave up, and all of the other pieces will shattered again.

Everytime you try to move on, there would always be pieces that gave up, and shattered everthing again. It'd happen On and on again.

Until when?

Maybe until you've found something that's strong enough to hold on to, something that plug in so deeply in the ground. Stands still in storm, wind, rain, and heat. But yet still be soft to hold. Something that will be there to help you up and always keeping you from missing one piece :)

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..Taking a really deep breath while writing this.

-R

People often say that eyes are the window of the soul.

Why? Maybe because we can easily tell lies with our lips + tongue, but the eyes.. They wouldn't be able to lie.

There'll be a spark in My eyes if I feel happy and content,

There'll be a flicker on them, should I feel doubt

There'll be a glint, that reflected the spirit and light from the opponent's eyes

They will be fluttering with worries and mysterious lies

And they will Shine like a lighthouse, looking at his eyes.

They will be empty with sorrow and sadness

And blazing hot with rage and madness

They will be steaming hot with passion,

And soften with compassion,

The eyes, the smile and their brilliant ray

An open book, people may say.

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.. my eyes = my feelings

#another unimportant writing

-R

Friday, on the bus. As usual.

But this time I got a seat. *yaaaayy*

Since I had to visit my client, and able to came early and caught the bus to my hometown.

I have been trying to look back this past week. Trying to figure out things to spill over here.

There were soo many interesting things happened this week, but I found one thing quite interesting *and mind-blowing* errgh.

It was about the placement I made. She was about to join the new company, all process were successfully passed, and suddenly.. She decided to withdrew.

Damn. Double damn. Damn, damn,,,

The reason?

Because her current company just raised her income, and suddenly, her boss were acting sooooo nice and treat her like cinderella *rolleyes* what a temptation.

Hmm..

That made me think much. So very much.

When you decided something, it'll be like you decide to swim in a flooded river, upstream.

The stream will hit your face very hard as you tried to swim. Your strokes will be very heavy, your arms will be hurting like hell, and your legs will be screaming in pain, as you tried to paddle, fighting the stream that kept pushing you backwards. You even couldn't stand up straight, without getting yourself carried away by the dangerously hard stream. Even to stand up and breathe, you will find it so damn hard. The stream is just too hard. With nothing for you to hold on to. You can only hold on to one thing. Your will, and it's also getting thinner every seconds

So ridiculously hard.

The stream is just like temptations, they will force you to give out, to give up, to finally let yourself stop fighting. To let yourself surrender to the stream, get carried away, and to be a lot more further from your goal.

Every decision u made, has its own consequences..

And it depends on your will,

To fight for it, or just to be carried away by the over-flowing stream.

It's totally not easy to fight the stream, you will come undone, with lots of bruises, scars, pains, marks and everything.

But you will be proud of yourself. To be able to win the battle with the stream, and also the hardest battle: the battle with yourself, the battle to fight the temptation to give up

You CAN!

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- Based on personal experience, paddling my As* fighting different streams :D There were always another stream waiting to be fought after finishing the last one.

note:

- take a deep breath before you decide to dive and fight the stream

and just believe: There always be a light at the end of the tunnel.

It’s WHITE, and it’s so very THICK..

My worst nightmare happens on the washing session

I already hate white clothes, and now I have to scrub ( I don’t believe in washing machine, still have to rub and scrub it with my hands, before putting the clothes in the washing machine :D )… not only the giant-white-shirt, but also the-giant-white-trousers, that he used it to sit on ANY kind of SURFACE (dirty-mostly) :P

Haisshhyy.. I love Dafa taking his Taekwondo lesson..

But sometimes I wished he took “pencak silat” lesson instead (the costume is black, of course :P)

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Get well soon, Nak..

Ibu love you so much..

On my way to go to my home city again,, this time getting soaked in rain, and waiting with heavy carrier on my back. I have never gotten any seats on the ride home since its already full, but most of the times, I can sit on the bus stairs, on the front entrance.

This time.. I have to stand up.

Standing alone, with big carrier is tiring. Imagine that u have to stand on high heels, with the rockin' of the bus, and also having to brace yourself every time the bus driver pushing the brakes, and doing all that for approximately 110 kms. Its.so.damn.hard.

But the bright side is.. I get to work on my leg and butt muscles :D :p

Sometimes I get to sit in the bus, and sometimes I don't. it's ups and downs in riding the bus home ..

Every little thing has their ups and downs.

Sometimes you get the good things, sometimes you get the bad..

Like in my work.. .most of the time, my work is stressfull, it's like struggling with time, you're few minutes late and you wouldn't get deals. Late replying emails from clients means also losing deals, being unthorough with the profiles will cause loses for the candidates. Not to mention the uncommitted candidate and also withdrawing candidate, but the worst of all, client's complains.. Haissyyh :(

But every downs must be followed by every ups.

My ups will be the laughter and jokes amongst my colleague, the satisfaction after placing deals, and also the one who'd always given me support, even though I cannot see him, he's always there when I need him. And even though he's busy, he'll always have time 4 me. Just said hi, and he already brighten up my day. :)

He's just like the Prince Charming riding his horse, to save the sleeping beauty from her tiresome spell. :p

*sheessh, Rana, u'r being soooo dreamyy* :p.

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-still being poisoned by the needle, and waiting for my prince..

Let your fingers touch my cheeks lightly, run them slowly along my jaw lines.

and kiss me softly, you will. Break the spell and wake me up.

Let you be the first one I see when I wake up,

and let your smile will be the first thing that will warm my heart.

Hold my hand and Take me away, Prince..

And let us ride the wind, wherever it may take us..

-R

Sheesh.

This headache. This problems..

It throbs in my head. I want to get out and scream. But does that really worth it? No I don’t think so..

If there’s any poison Apple, I’d like to take a bite. and let me feel the bile,

gone into the abyss, let me stay there for a while,

Gone will all the headache..

lost will all the pain.

Let the Prince Charming come and wake me,

rescue me, kiss me.

Ahh.

-R

:D

Throughout what happened to me, I gained a lot more independency through the years. Hmm, on a second thought, I've always been independent and standing on my own two feet, -especially in matters of income- since I was little.. I think that's my nature. And The sense of independency just grew more stronger now.

The thing that really struck me about this independence-thingy is when I'm going out with a guy :D and the matter is : "who's paying" :D

Since college, I already made my own money, not much, but enough to have fun. When he asked me out, I then always said : "Ok, u pay for the movie and I'll pay for the food". He, *the penniless college student* couldn't agree more :D. That happened on and on and on, and sometimes I am the one that had to pay for everything. I didn't mind with that.

But then, when the boyfriend turned to husband, the customary just went on. At first it was ok for me to handle house bills I had thought that it was part of being a helpful wife. But then.. It got worse. He never thought about the household needs, and he became dependent on me. Then he also depended other things, and another, and another and more more another things for me to pay.

I kept my mouth shut and paid the bills, even after the divorce. Just to ensure my sanity.

From then, I *stupidly* still kept that "let me pay" custom. Not because I was being polite, but merely because it hits my independency ego :)

But one day, my beloved trainer from the office, Ms. Yunita, pointed out my mistakes.. "Rana.. You HAVE to try to stop being independent in a relationship. Just let yourself DEPEND on a man, let him takes care of you. If you don't, then it will be the same pattern over and over again"

She also told me that she had known that it would be so hard for me to give up independency, but she had suggested me to try from the simplest thing.

..And yeah. It's so damn hard not to pay for the bills when going out with Dafa :D (he's 7 years old and so cute, could not resist the urge to spoil him sometimes)

And yet, I still went totally panic when going out to a dinner with a man, and I forgot withdrawing money from the atm. Damn. Damn. I got so panicky. I didn't let my self think that I was going out with a man, that has eyes, mouth, ears.. and wallet, and also pride.

I was hurting his feelings and pride, by being panic, and didn't trust him to be able to handle everything.

So hard indeed to let myself depend on man. :(

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So the man that challenge me most will be someone that will take care of me, and force make me dependent on him entirely. Body, mind and soul. :)

-R