Sheesh.
This headache. This problems..
It throbs in my head. I want to get out and scream. But does that really worth it? No I don’t think so..
If there’s any poison Apple, I’d like to take a bite. and let me feel the bile,
gone into the abyss, let me stay there for a while,
Gone will all the headache..
lost will all the pain.
Let the Prince Charming come and wake me,
rescue me, kiss me.
Ahh.
-R
I am sitting on a bus, on my way to my home-city, and suddenly have this inspiration struck my head..
I am thinking about the hormone-ragin’/massive ego/poweful/but-feels-so-good-to-be-hugged male species..
:D
Throughout what happened to me, I gained a lot more independency through the years. Hmm, on a second thought, I've always been independent and standing on my own two feet, -especially in matters of income- since I was little.. I think that's my nature. And The sense of independency just grew more stronger now.
The thing that really struck me about this independence-thingy is when I'm going out with a guy :D and the matter is : "who's paying" :D
Since college, I already made my own money, not much, but enough to have fun. When he asked me out, I then always said : "Ok, u pay for the movie and I'll pay for the food". He, *the penniless college student* couldn't agree more :D. That happened on and on and on, and sometimes I am the one that had to pay for everything. I didn't mind with that.
But then, when the boyfriend turned to husband, the customary just went on. At first it was ok for me to handle house bills I had thought that it was part of being a helpful wife. But then.. It got worse. He never thought about the household needs, and he became dependent on me. Then he also depended other things, and another, and another and more more another things for me to pay.
I kept my mouth shut and paid the bills, even after the divorce. Just to ensure my sanity.
From then, I *stupidly* still kept that "let me pay" custom. Not because I was being polite, but merely because it hits my independency ego :)
But one day, my beloved trainer from the office, Ms. Yunita, pointed out my mistakes.. "Rana.. You HAVE to try to stop being independent in a relationship. Just let yourself DEPEND on a man, let him takes care of you. If you don't, then it will be the same pattern over and over again"
She also told me that she had known that it would be so hard for me to give up independency, but she had suggested me to try from the simplest thing.
..And yeah. It's so damn hard not to pay for the bills when going out with Dafa :D (he's 7 years old and so cute, could not resist the urge to spoil him sometimes)
And yet, I still went totally panic when going out to a dinner with a man, and I forgot withdrawing money from the atm. Damn. Damn. I got so panicky. I didn't let my self think that I was going out with a man, that has eyes, mouth, ears.. and wallet, and also pride.
I was hurting his feelings and pride, by being panic, and didn't trust him to be able to handle everything.
So hard indeed to let myself depend on man. :(
-----------------------------
So the man that challenge me most will be someone that will take care of me, and force make me dependent on him entirely. Body, mind and soul. :)
-R
It hurts my pride, my skills, and also my commission/wallet for next month.
I was shocked and confused and was also feeling down, walking to my boarding room, while accidentally passing a mosque.
I overheard the Khatib talking, before Friday Prayer. He had said that all good moslem are subjected to tests, those tests are to verify our faith to God. Whether we would still have faith to God or turn our backs when we felt too burdened by those problems. Even our prophets were being tested with tests beyond Imagination, had to lose their parents, or wives, or both. Losing their houses, and also had to lose their long-expected-only-child.
I got stunned by Khotib’s sayings.
One way or another, my wallet problems are nothing, compared to other people’s.
So I held my head up high, took a deep breath and said..
“mesti jagain lilin ini mah entar malem”
Oops.. not that :D
So I held my head up high again, took a deep breath and said..
:)
Do wish me luck ;)
I closed my eyes and took a deep breath.
Exhausted..
I wished the stress and the strain will come out with every single breath I exhaled. I took another few deep breaths, then pulling my scooter’s key from the keyhole. I got off from motorcycle, and secured my gate.
Another gulp of breath.
I went inside the house. Took off my helmet, my riding gloves and scarf. I then kicked my shoes. They flew to the bottom of the wooden chair and landed with a thud. I took a big glass of water, the water went inside me in few swallows.
I move half-heartedly around the house. I checked Dafa in his room. He’s asleep, his sitter must have made him slept half an hour before.
Ahh… another night without playing with Dafa at night.
I sit on his bed and caress his back slowly. Dim light from his night light framed his angelic face. Ah. Such a wonderful sight. One second, I was amazed with the beautiful image before my eyes. But the next second, guilt washed over me, like a tsunami.
I’m sorry champ, I wasn’t there for you. I had to work. Long hours. Long work hours, and even longer mom hours.
Suddenly I feel tears running down to my cheek. an the exhaustion bombarded me.
The getting up early, preparing him to school, cooking, cleaning up, taking him to school, picking him back in the hour after, helping his homework, playing with him. And then working in the office, managing, teaching, making worksheets,. And as if they were not enough, teaching private lesson at night. All by myself.
Another exhaustion slipped right through me, and skipped a beat of my heart. And another drip of tears went rolling.
I wish I wasn’t all alone like this.
I buried my face inside my hand.
“Mooomh?” Dafa stirred in his sleep, he opened his eye a little bit. Maybe he was awake because of my crying. I wiped my tears and tried to obliterate last signs of crying.
“Yes, Champ?” I caressed his cheek lightly. He opened his eyes bigger, and he was smiling.
“I missed you.” he said, and he yawned.
“Me too” I almost shed a tear again, but I held it with all my might. Dafa smiled again, and he was hugging my hand. He was then back to sleep again.
Gone was all my exhaustion, seen his smile and felt his hug.
“Thanks Champ. Your smile made me strong again.” I whispered to him, and kissed his cheek.
..batteries recharged.
Off to another work to do. This time, with smile on my face, and spirit in my heart.
I was looking for some contact lenses in a dept.store downtown, when I bumped into a small kiosk that sold handmade bags and handicrafts. I fell in love instantly with a 10-inch netbook softcase, but held back the urge to buy it when I found out the price. Deep in my heart, I said: “I think I can found something cheaper somewhere else”. I left the stall without buying anything, but kept a business card instead.
Weeks went by, and the need of having to buy the softcase was increasing. The net book already got it’s envelope-model softcase (it looked like an envelope, with a giant Velcro on top of it :D).. but I still need the zipper model, a case that covers, but you can easily opened if you need it (I like practical things ;) ). So then I decided to take a walk to the nearest mall here (Bandung Supermall) and tried to find the dreamt softcase.. :P
Mum and Dafa wanted to come, so I took them with me.. I searched store by store, and couldn’t find that softcase that suits me…
It was mum who got lucky, she accidentally found a nice and not-too-expensive and fits and … “just perfect”
As for me, I didn’t found what I want…. Same thing happened when I tried another mall a week after, I literally walked around every corners and bends.. but still.. couldn’t found what I want..
Why? Because 10” softcase are still very rare, and that made the models and choices were very limited. It’s very different if you need 12” or 14” softcases.. you can go to just a store and easily found something u’d like.
Then, when I finally found that hard-to-find 10”, I couldn’t stand the pattern. Whether it’s too girly (pinkish.. :-&) or too kinky (leopard or tiger prints). I couldn’t pick both of them because dafa will be using the netbook as well, a boy wearing pink? Yeah. rite.
When I found the ‘plain colored’ 10”, I hate the material. It was not waterproof..and too plain :D.
And when I found the right and sturdy + waterproof material… I goggled at the price.. so expensive, and it’s also too plain :D
When I got home with blistered feet and extreme fatigue… I then realized… that the whole “finding netbook case-adventure” was somewhat like my own ‘finding husband-to-be’ adventure…
For once, it was really hard… because the kind of man I want is not ‘just available’ in stock.. just like the way the 10” did. What kind of man I want? Well, The mature and ‘accepts-me and my plus one’ kind of man J. Not every man can live with my conditions. Younger men tends to be ignorant to my son, and older more mature men have the tendency of being distant to him. I can’t blame those men, Can i? Then.. I’d much prefer calmness than exuberance (like the leopard print :P).. but not too plain and serene too… that would kill me to be enthusiastic over something, but he just remain undisturbed (rolleyes).
I also need him to be tough, and "waterproof" ... --> proven strong against family dispute :P But somewhat.. sensitive ;)
ahahhahah, maybe I have found the right man.. but He... already has a BOYfriend.... (rofl)
Oh yeah.. and as for my netbook case? I came back to the first handicraft store with Dafa.. and I let him chose what he wanted :) he chose something that fits him and me.. I like the material, the model, the pics.. (well, I don't really like zombie faces, but I can live with that :P .. better than strawberry prints, though. lol) and the colors too. And what I liked the most was... Its "One-of-a-kind" ;) We finally had the softcase we both love... Yaaay!!
...That kinda made me think... instead of looking my "perfect version" of a husband-to-be all by myself, I should let Dafa decides.. ;)
So.. to all the men out there.. Win Dafa's heart first,, then you'll get HIS plus one...
Yap. Me
:D
"Dingin." Gumamku sambil mengusap telapak kakiku yang pucat. Ia lalu meraih kaki ku perlahan.
Aku menatapnya dan tersenyum. Sengatan dingin di kakiku perlahan hilang. Ia mengusapnya dengan tangan besarnya. Ia balas tersenyum menatapku. Bukan hanya usapannya yang membuat gigil itu hilang, tapi tatapannya padaku.
“Thanks” kataku. Ia hanya tersenyum.
Lalu kisah dan kata diceritakan.. kadang disela dengan tawa. Hatiku menghangat di setiap tatapannya, setiap senyuman dan setiap kata-kata yang terucap. Ditemani oleh makan malam yang lezat.. ahhh.. betapa nikmatnya….
Sesaat ku hirup hangatnya kopi susu. Menambah nikmatnya malam itu..Ku mainkan jemariku di antara jemarinya, kadang ku usap lembut rambut-rambut nakal yang mencuat di pipinya. His 2-day beard.. terasa kasar di jemariku.. tapi sensasinya menyenangkan ku… ‘feels manly’..
Mi querido...
“Jadi..” katanya sambil mengenggam tanganku..
“Ke mana ujungnya kita?” lanjutnya. Aku hanya menatapnya, pura-pura marah dan hanya bisa berkata.. “Oh shut Up!!”.
Ia tertawa renyah.. dan aku tersenyum. Memang aneh.. kami merasakan perasaan yang sama.. saling menemukan kecocokan, saling mengisi, saling mengagumi, dan saling merindukan.. namun kami punya banyak hal lain yang harus kami pikirkan, untuk melangkah lebih jauh. . Ibarat sebuah perahu kecil.. yang ingin melintasi danau yang besar.
Lalu kesunyian melingkupi kami. Bukan kesunyian yang mencekam, namun kesunyian dimana masing-masing saling menikmati keberadaan, menikmati suasana, meresapi rasa yang sama-sama kami rasakan. Angin berhembus perlahan. Kelap kelip lampu kota di bawah kami, serasa menambah indah momen tak terlupakan ini.
“I’ve told my mum..” Katanya, di antara kepulan rokoknya. Kedua matanya menerawang . Aku membelalak kaget, namun tersenyum.
“Lalu?” Tanyaku. Jantungku berloncatan. Tak sabar menanti jawabnya. Dia tampak sedang berpikir. Mencoba merangkai kata-kata.
“Emm.. kamu tau sendiri, mungkin….” Katanya. Ia menoleh dan menatapku. Aku menangkap tatapannya, dan memandang kearah lain. Menerawang.
“Yeah.. kalau anak laki-lakiku dekat dengan seorang janda, aku pun akan menyarankan tuk ‘mencari yang masih perawan’..” Kataku. Bibirku tersenyum, namun hatiku…
“So, what did she say?” Tanyaku. Perih hatiku mulai terasa, bagai seutas tali tipis menggores di hatiku.
“Well, she was…. Silent. Diem.” Katanya . Aku tersenyum menatapnya. Ia tak tahu.. hatiku sudah mulai tersayat.
“Hmmm.. salah approach kali, Hon.. harusnya sebutin dulu kelebihan-kelebihan Akuu.” Kataku. Aku tertawa ringan, berusaha menyembunyikan galau di hatiku. Aku meremas jemarinya..
“Udah…” Katanya. “Tapi tetep, pas aku keluarin statement itu.. beliau langsung diem.” Lanjutnya.
“Ow.. and I’ve told my brother too..” Katanya lagi. Jantungku semakin tak keruan detaknya.
“And then?” tanyaku.berusaha menenangkan degub yang berkejaran di dadaku. Ia mengangkat bahu…
“Kakakku bilang….. ‘why not try to find someone else first? Dia pernah gagal, bagaimna kalu nanti kamu gagal juga?’…” Lanjutnya. Ahh.. sayatan lagi di hatiku.
“Tapi Hon.. aku cuma bilang gini...‘Gimana klo setelah mencari ternyata nggak ada yang lebih baik dari dia?, atau ternyata, ujung-ujungnya ya sama dia?’” katanya lagi. Sedikit aliran kesejukan mengaliri sayatan-sayatan di hati.
“Hmm..” Gumamku perlahan. Aku menangis dalam hati… Jika aku bisa memilih, tentunya aku tak ingin jadi seorang Janda.. apalagi di usia semuda ini. Namun aku telah memilih. Memilih tuk pergi dari ketidak jujuran dalam bahtera yang kuarungi dulu. Memilih untuk berhenti tersiksa. Memilih untuk berhenti di tindas. Memilih untuk pergi dari seseorang yang menyeretku ke lembah penderitaan. Ahh…
Aku tahu, pilihanku penuh dengan konsekuensi. Konsekuensi yang dalam beberapa hal aku sangat siap menghadapinya. Segala beban hidup yamg harus ku tanggung, kesendirian yang kulewati tiap malam, trauma berat yang kualami akibat segala perbuatan mantan suamiku, dan merahnya telinga akibat menjadi bahan gunjingan orang lain, semua aku hadapi dengan dagu terangkat dan tekad yang penuh semangat. Tapi ada juga konsekuensi yang hatiku masih belum siap tuk hadapi. Aku terbiasa diterima di segala kalangan, dari mulai anak kecil sampai Orang tua.. mungkin karena sifatku yang mudah akrab dengan orang lain.. ‘penolakan halus’-yang walupun belum final-dari keluarganya sedikit mengguncang hatiku.. Aku tersenyum pedih dalam hati.
“Sabar Rana. Manusia iu lebih mulia dalam sakitnya sabar. Lagi pula, kamu belum pernah bertemu mereka. Mungkin setelah bertemu, mereka justru akan menyayangimu dan Dafa.” Kataku dalam hati.
Ia mengusap jemariku perlahan. Kepedihan dalam hatiku berangsur pudar. Aku menghela napas. Aku terenyum lagi.. memandangnya… Ia yang selalu ada untukku, selalu mendengarkan keluh kesahku, mendukungku, bahkan meminjamkan punggungnya untuk ku tumpahkan air mata. Aku mengenalnya belum terlalu lama.. namun terasa seperti telah mengenalnya bertahun-tahun. Aku kagum akan kecerdasannya, segala tutur katanya yang indah, pribadinya, kerasnya hidup yang telah ia lewati dan kedewasaanya. Sikapnya yang selalu santun, dan tak pernah memanfaatkan kesempatan maupun statusku sebagai seorang Janda. Ia selalu bisa tahu apa yang berkelebat di hatiku, tanpa aku katakan padanya. Ia selalu menghiburku kala ku resah, selalu bisa membuatku terbahak dengan segala ceritanya, serta menenangkanku saat aku gundah. Aku belajar banyak hal darinya dan menjadi kuat karenanya. Aku merasa nyaman berada di dekatnya, terheran-heran akan banyak kesamaan yang kami miliki.
Setelah pernah gagal, aku lebih selektif dalam berhubungan dengan para pria. Aku telah banyak menemui banyak pria, banyak berusaha mengenal mereka, bahkan menerima ajakan ‘hangout’ dari pria yang menurutku ‘lulus seleksi’dan tidak berniat ‘aneh’ terhadapku. Namun entah mengapa, tak ada yang bisa membuatku senyaman pria aneh yang ada di depanku ini. Segala yang kami lalui nampak seperti air.. mengalir perlahan, dan meninggalkan jejak mendalam di setiap alirannya. Yang kurasa..Ia seperti seseorang, darimana rusukku berasal…
Ia memang tak sempurna, seperti layaknya manusia lainnya. Namun ketidaksempurnaanya hanya membuatnya makin sempurna di mataku.
Sering aku berusaha menahan rasa ini. Menahan rindu. Takut semuanya seperti yang kualami dengan mantan suamiku. Namun ada hal-hal dalam dirinya yang meyakinkan ku, bahwa aku akan baik-baik saja di tangannya.
“Hei..” katanya. Sesaat aku tersadar dari lamunan dan pikiran di benakku. Aku kembali tersenyum padanya. Ia mengusap pipiku, aku merasakaan getaran itu, dan menikmati sensasi kupu-kupu yang beterbangan di perutku. Aku tersenyum dalam hati.. setelah mengenalku sekian lama, dan seringnya kami pergi bersama, baru kali ini ia menyentuh pipiku.. aku benar-benar salut akan ketahanannya. Kebanyakan pria bila dalam suasana seromantis ini, cenderung akan mencium pasangannya atau bahkan ‘bergerilya’ dengan tangan mereka. Tapi Ia? Ia tak menyembunyikan betapa ia ingin meraihku dalam peluknya, namun ia tak melakukannya. Ia sangat menghargaiku. Inilah salah satu alasan mengapa aku merasa aman didekatnya. Aku tahu, manusia pun punya batas kesabaran, namun aku yakin dan percaya sepenuhnya padanya, bahwa ia akan sangat menghormatiku.
Ia lalu menanyakan sesuatu tentang masa laluku dengan mantan suamiku. Aku menjawabnya. Namun semakin banyak kata yang terucap, semakin perih hati ini tersayat, teringat akan semua perbuatannya padaku. Aku terisak, ia meminjamkan punggungnya, dan meremas tanganku perlahan. Seakan mengatakan kalau “you are gonna be okay..I’m here with you..” Ia lalu membiarkanku hingga aku merasa tenang.
Oh.. secara batin aku semakin merasa dekat dengannya..
Salahkah bila aku menyimpan harap padanya? Namun tiba-tiba aku tersadar.. cukup berharga kah diriku untuknya? Cukup berhargakah aku untuk diperjuangkannya?
Ahh.. aku hanya bisa menyimpan asa. Manakala ia ingin mencari ‘yang tidak seperti aku’.. hatiku pasti akan hancur..berkeping-keping, dengan serpihan yang jauh lebih kecil….akan merasa sangat berat untuk melepasnya dan merelakannya pergi. Tetapi mungkin aku akan merasa bahagia, bila ia berbahagia.
Hmmmm, could I?
......................
Copyright © Diary of a Single Mom
Design by My Web Caffe | Converted into Blogger Templates by Theme Craft | Blogger Templates
