Diary of a Single Mom

My Cappuccino

2012-01-05T05:28:00.001+07:00

On a heck of a busy day, my cell phone went dead.

Yap.

Dead as in, you’ve tried to remove the cover, the batteries & restart, but won’t even start..

Dead as in, you banged it on the table, and stomp it with your foot, restarted it, but still it won’t start either.

*arrggh*

(by that time, my stress level almost gone kapooiee, my contact numbers and important messages were stored there, and it’s now completely gone)

..My Cell phone had successfully went to cell phone-heaven.. :'(

So I think It’s time for me to buy a new one

I had been lusting after Sams*ng Galaxy Y.. for weeks, thinking that would be my dream-cell phone. Affordable, yet has everything I need inside it. I actually fell in love, seeing it’s e-book reader feature. Because e-book is basically my best friend while being alone in this town.

I browsed few stores at this ~~tiny little~~ town, and just found out that my dream-cell-phone’s price had just recently gone up. Exactly the day when I decided to buy it (doh).

I then re-evaluated my needs in cell phones. “Okay” I thought to my self. “Lets see what we need”. People around me were looking at me oddly. Apparently I did the thinking-for-myself thing by saying it out loud. :D and they were wondering if I were crazy, talking to myself. :D

After looking for a more secluded place, I began to reconsider the priorities. I then realized that I need a cell phone that can holds 2 numbers at the same time, for ~~cheaper~~ easier communication access.

I then decided to buy local cell-phones, “Cappuccino” : touch screen, wifi, and with super wide screen to spoil my eyes while reading e books. Plus, it’s a lot more cheaper than my dream-cell-phone. Yaaaaayyy!! I think I finally found my-best-suit-cell-phone.

At first it was hard to get used to touch screen. But then I got the hang of it and felt really comfortable with it. She had become my best friend ever since.

1.5 weeks later, I found out that my Cappuccino was broken, half of her screen was striped-white. L I went berserk after that. Poor thing, I then took her to cell-phone hospital a.k.a service center. I said goodbye to her, and wishing her to get well soon ~~with lots of tears and pledging and moaning~~ .. :D

I then had to borrow My Mom’s BB to replace her

*sigh*

I feel like a traitor. (because I had fun using the BBM feature :p)

And then I was realizing something. For me, A cell-phone is just like my companion in life, I bought it and then trust my secrets to it, getting money out of it, using its features, cherish me, hold it in my hand, always take it everywhere I go, and even “feed” it and even put best “clothe” to cover it and to make it prettier.

Same thing goes with your companion in life, a.k.a partner. You trust your secret to them by telling them, go with them everywhere you go, using “their features” (their love, care, helping hand, etc), let them hold your hand, and let them cherish me, etc etc.

I have learned my lesson there. Maybe if I forced myself to buy my galaxy-dream-cell-phone, it will be a lot more durable & longer lasting. I know it’s more expensive but I don’t have to buy some more or in my case, hospitalized some more in the near future. So I was saving after all.

Back to the companion-in-life topic. Maybe I should find someone who’s not only fulfilling my needs, but also with better durability and endurance, I know He’ll cost me more, in terms of effort, time spent, and everything. But then he’ll be a longer lasting partner ;)

And how about my Cappucinno?

She’s still at the hospital… and she’s been three weeks there :’( .

aaahhh. I miss her.

Time heals

2011-03-30T08:51:00.003+07:00

I just took Dafa to see his father last nite, was there any particular reason? well yeah..

Few weeks ago Dafa's step mother called, asking to take him to their house. But do you know what happened? suddenly he cried, and totally refused to go. I kept asking him to see his father, but he kept refusing. He didn't want to see his dad, let alone spending a night there.

He was was crying, desperate and almost hysterical (this was so unusual of him) he didn't want me to leave him, not even going to the bathroom. I was so shocked. he had never done that kinda thing in his life before. I concluded that he was traumatized.

So I want to see his dad to look for answers...

It turned out....

That I felt comfortable talking to him, and sharing about Dafa,

He was willing to support him, now that he's settled.

Grateful for that :)

Lets just pray that everything he said will come true :)

But the best thing was happening inside of me. When I saw him, I felt no more hatred. garteful for that, I was finally be able to forgive myself :)

Just like people always said: Time... heals ;)

New Year New Hope

2011-01-14T22:03:00.005+07:00

:D I know that today is in the middle of January, and the New Year celebrations has long gone, but I proudly say that I still kinda possess the New year's spirit

Why? because so many good things had happened at the end of 2010, and also at the early 2011.

First, I got soooo many good news from my students, they had succeeded at their final term exams, and most of them even scored as one of the Big Ten (in points, not in terms of weight :P) in their class.. oh I was so proud

But the happiest thing was, My Dafa was scored 3rd in his class!! yaaaaaay!! I was sooo proud and happy. I didn't quite expect it to come

well, remembering that I had received his IQ test result, that showed he was only *above average* ... (I was a little bit disappointed), ahahhaha :P

That time, not only I felt happy and proud, but also there's something deep down inside me that thought : "I finally have something I know I'm good at, and really have the proof"

"alhamdulillah" "

So... I'm hoping new and good things will happen to us in this year, hopefully things that will lead us to another good things ;)

Hope that all of us will have a wonderful and wondrous year ahead

feeling down

2010-11-25T17:43:00.007+07:00

I just met my girlfriend few days ago, she happens to be a singlemom like me, she has a 7 years old daughter. I had good time seeing that friend of mine, it felt really good to had someone to talk to, someone that had felt the same way I did..

We both had stood in the same shoe, and had been through same stuffs.

But her daughter is luckier .. Her father had always supported her, and had always been there when she needs Him.

I was allrite hearing that at that moment,

but after few days past..........

I looked at Dafa and remembered his irresponsible father

I felt.. sad.

and just yesterday.. i saw another friend, that also a singlemom...

she just finished her master's degree and on her way to her PhD..

I felt even sadder.

much much more sad than before.

i looked at myself..

What am I now?

.. just nothing..

-------

God, I'm thankful for all your blessings and gifts that you have given me..

but sometimes I feel that this is too hard for me to bear.

If this is only envy and jealousy, please take those feelings away..

please replace them with happiness and contentment..

please guide my steps Oh God..

I'm blind without your guidance..

Things that make me happy

2010-10-22T23:56:00.005+07:00

I just bumped into an article, a really good one I suppose. It told us how 8 simple things can make women feel happier. housewife in particular..

But why did I feel like crying when I read it?

Because maybe.... I did found few things that made me happy. Ah no, not a few, there's only one thing in that list that I can do, and makes me happy... seeing Dafa's smile.

The other 7 would be a privilege for me :) maybe that's why i felt like crying. Because I simply can't afford even the simplest things..not even a *me-time*

But then again, i began to ask myself another simple question: "What are the things in life that can make me feel happier?"

-following other people's expectation on me?

-or do whatever I want, without thinking about other people thoughts?

the problem is... I have taken wrong decisions since i was 14, doing what I want, and regretted the consequences years later.

And now.. i got confused.

i'm scared to do *what I want*.. afraid that what I'd chose would result regretful things..

but following other people expectation? well.. people will never be satisfied on me, there will always be flaws in me that lead to criticism.. remember the tale of the Father, the Son and the donkey? :)

ah.. I'm so pathetic.

i don't even know what makes me happy..

exhausted & recharged

2010-07-31T05:38:00.004+07:00

I closed my eyes and took a deep breath.

Exhausted..

I wished the stress and the strain will come out with every single breath I exhaled. I took another few deep breaths, then pulling my scooter’s key from the keyhole. I got off from motorcycle, and secured my gate.

Another gulp of breath.

I went inside the house. Took off my helmet, my riding gloves and scarf. I then kicked my shoes. They flew to the bottom of the wooden chair and landed with a thud. I took a big glass of water, the water went inside me in few swallows.

I move half-heartedly around the house. I checked Dafa in his room. He’s asleep, his sitter must have made him slept half an hour before.

Ahh… another night without playing with Dafa at night.

I sit on his bed and caress his back slowly. Dim light from his night light framed his angelic face. Ah. Such a wonderful sight. One second, I was amazed with the beautiful image before my eyes. But the next second, guilt washed over me, like a tsunami.

I’m sorry champ, I wasn’t there for you. I had to work. Long hours. Long work hours, and even longer mom hours.

Suddenly I feel tears running down to my cheek. an the exhaustion bombarded me.

The getting up early, preparing him to school, cooking, cleaning up, taking him to school, picking him back in the hour after, helping his homework, playing with him. And then working in the office, managing, teaching, making worksheets,. And as if they were not enough, teaching private lesson at night. All by myself.

Another exhaustion slipped right through me, and skipped a beat of my heart. And another drip of tears went rolling.

I wish I wasn’t all alone like this.

I buried my face inside my hand.

“Mooomh?” Dafa stirred in his sleep, he opened his eye a little bit. Maybe he was awake because of my crying. I wiped my tears and tried to obliterate last signs of crying.

“Yes, Champ?” I caressed his cheek lightly. He opened his eyes bigger, and he was smiling.

“I missed you.” he said, and he yawned.

“Me too” I almost shed a tear again, but I held it with all my might. Dafa smiled again, and he was hugging my hand. He was then back to sleep again.

Gone was all my exhaustion, seen his smile and felt his hug.

“Thanks Champ. Your smile made me strong again.” I whispered to him, and kissed his cheek.

..batteries recharged.

Off to another work to do. This time, with smile on my face, and spirit in my heart.

Netbook-case Hunting

2010-05-08T08:32:00.008+07:00

I was looking for some contact lenses in a dept.store downtown, when I bumped into a small kiosk that sold handmade bags and handicrafts. I fell in love instantly with a 10-inch netbook softcase, but held back the urge to buy it when I found out the price. Deep in my heart, I said: “I think I can found something cheaper somewhere else”. I left the stall without buying anything, but kept a business card instead.

Weeks went by, and the need of having to buy the softcase was increasing. The net book already got it’s envelope-model softcase (it looked like an envelope, with a giant Velcro on top of it :D).. but I still need the zipper model, a case that covers, but you can easily opened if you need it (I like practical things ;) ). So then I decided to take a walk to the nearest mall here (Bandung Supermall) and tried to find the dreamt softcase.. :P

Mum and Dafa wanted to come, so I took them with me.. I searched store by store, and couldn’t find that softcase that suits me…

It was mum who got lucky, she accidentally found a nice and not-too-expensive and fits and … “just perfect”

As for me, I didn’t found what I want…. Same thing happened when I tried another mall a week after, I literally walked around every corners and bends.. but still.. couldn’t found what I want..

Why? Because 10” softcase are still very rare, and that made the models and choices were very limited. It’s very different if you need 12” or 14” softcases.. you can go to just a store and easily found something u’d like.

Then, when I finally found that hard-to-find 10”, I couldn’t stand the pattern. Whether it’s too girly (pinkish.. :-&) or too kinky (leopard or tiger prints). I couldn’t pick both of them because dafa will be using the netbook as well, a boy wearing pink? Yeah. rite.

When I found the ‘plain colored’ 10”, I hate the material. It was not waterproof..and too plain :D.

And when I found the right and sturdy + waterproof material… I goggled at the price.. so expensive, and it’s also too plain :D

When I got home with blistered feet and extreme fatigue… I then realized… that the whole “finding netbook case-adventure” was somewhat like my own ‘finding husband-to-be’ adventure…

For once, it was really hard… because the kind of man I want is not ‘just available’ in stock.. just like the way the 10” did. What kind of man I want? Well, The mature and ‘accepts-me and my plus one’ kind of man J. Not every man can live with my conditions. Younger men tends to be ignorant to my son, and ~~older~~ more mature men have the tendency of being distant to him. I can’t blame those men, Can i? Then.. I’d much prefer calmness than exuberance (like the leopard print :P).. but not too plain and serene too… that would kill me to be enthusiastic over something, but he just remain undisturbed (rolleyes).

I also need him to be tough, and "waterproof" ... --> proven strong against family dispute :P But somewhat.. sensitive ;)

ahahhahah, maybe I have found the right man.. but He... already has a BOYfriend.... (rofl)

Oh yeah.. and as for my netbook case? I came back to the first handicraft store with Dafa.. and I let him chose what he wanted :) he chose something that fits him and me.. I like the material, the model, the pics.. (well, I don't really like zombie faces, but I can live with that :P .. better than strawberry prints, though. lol) and the colors too. And what I liked the most was... Its "One-of-a-kind" ;) We finally had the softcase we both love... Yaaay!!

...That kinda made me think... instead of looking my "perfect version" of a husband-to-be all by myself, I should let Dafa decides.. ;)

So.. to all the men out there.. Win Dafa's heart first,, then you'll get HIS plus one...

Yap. Me

These two years

2010-03-21T19:20:00.004+07:00

I've been thinking about my love-life for the past two yaers...

.. there are moments that made me smile, moments that made me cry.. and some of them that made me 'fly' and some of the moments.... wet my pants off (lol).

But to think it all over again, those moments were beautiful...

they all had given me experiences, new point of views.. and even new skills ;)

on top of that, they had taught me how to meet new people, made new friends... and encouraged me to 'move on'

and they also had given me the lessons in life.. something that you would not have learned at school, or by reading a book..

you know what, I wrote this post, because i just realized, that in two years that had passsed, I was being left (to marriages) by... 4 guys... and will be five this june ..

maybe you'll wonder why...

but let me tell you something...

i was left not because i was being unfaithful, but it was simply because i was afraid of 'commitment'

:) yes..

that was it... they wanted to get married soon enough, while me? I wasn't...

Most of 'those men' were people aged from 27 until 32... men that were "can't wait to be stranded in a leash called marriage"

While me? i just get off from one, why would I want to be stranded again? hahahhahahahha

Sorry, people ^:)^ I was jusst being sarcastic :P

it's still kinda hurt being left.. even though I was the one who chose to be left :P

hmm... that kinda remembers me... there was one time, I left a guy.. just because I didn't want him to be burdened by me and my 'extra package'

I didn't know why.. but I just thought that "I cared about him too much, and I don't want him to be burdened by my condition"

To thought about it again... I was being STUPID!!! I would never know how much he could struggle for me, wouldn't I?

Hmmm, I guess.. next time I feel comfortable with a guy.. I have to be sure how far he will go for me...

Do pray for me, that I will get the best for me? Please?

Thank you.. :*

Paranoid

2010-02-12T11:01:00.004+07:00

In the middle of my trying-to-forgive...
Suddenly Rega called, after months not hearing from him.

"I'm at Dafa's school. I want to take him out. it's my day off today." He said.
I was surprised. If I could, I wanted to scream at his face.. told him to get his friggin' as* away from our-perfect-already life.

But I couldn't.

There are Ex-wives, and ex husbands.. but there are no such thing as ex-children..
I have no right to keep him away from his own Son, have I?
... but still.. I'm so damn worried. and afraid. and .. ahhhhhh.. speechless.

maybe I was being jealous. and hurt.

Jealous, because after his presence.. I won't be his center of the universe again..

Hurt, and angry. Wondering here had he been all these months?
where was he when Daffa needs attention?
was he even care to call?
Was he even dare to show up at all?

ah. damn.
I'm counting minutes now..
hoping hours will go by quickly..
and when I count to ten, Daffa will be in my arms again..

mmh. i just realized that i was so afraid.
Afraid that Rega will take away Daffa from me.
I know that it's almost impossible.
For He has to face my whole big family, if he wants to take Daffa away.
Oh, correction.. no need to involve the big family.
Me alone will make his life like living hell ....
..

aahh..
Oh dear God.. Please take care of Daffa..

A letter to myself

2010-01-02T01:37:00.004+07:00

Dear myself....

I know that you've been through a lot lately...
those rough times, bruising and damaging...
even though hard to admit it, it felt like making a Horcrux out of your soul...
Soul-splitting.. yeah... but like Voldemort.. it made him indestructible..
.. hopefully it made you too... hopefully it made you stronger.. in many ways..

Myself..
Maybe it's hard for you, but I am expecting you to forgive...
"..forgiving whooo???" .. may be you'll ask me that, with that frown on your face... (ahhh, do please don't frown like that, you should worry about the wrinkle it'll give in 5 years time..)
Myself.. it's really time for you to forgive..
forgive things that you couldn't do..
forgive the way things went wrong..
forgive how you can change things... but mostly..
you have to learn to forgive yourself..
that way you will easily forgive other things.. including forgiving him.

..it's hard.. i know. but I know you can.

Myself, do please praise yourself for things that you have successfully done last year..
and don't forget people who helped you gaining it, and thank them...
that way you will how to appreciate yourself, and appreciate others too.

Myself,
always remember, that happiness does not rely on how much do you have, but it relies upon how much you give..

Myself,
maybe you have to learn to earn something...
not to stand aside and just hoping that you have that something.
so get on your feet and REACH!!
..but always finish what you have started..

Myself...learn to trust others... and do please learn to trust yourself too..
I now that they will not always be reliable..
so this way you will learn how to trust but in a cautious way.

... do all this..
and maybe you will be a better person :)

Bandung, Jan 2nd 2010

Rana

When Dafa's ill

2009-09-03T21:04:00.004+07:00

I looked at the sight of Dafa, while sitting next to him. He closed his eyes peacefully. On the outside, it looked as if he’s fine, but when I hold him, a burst of heat stung my palm. Yes. He was having a temperature. I caressed his hair, trying to untangle the ends. Suddenly he opened his eyes, and said,

“Water.” His voice were gruff. I handed him water bottles and its straw. He woke up trembling, then I helped him up. I have to bit my lower lip, to resist the urge to cry. He drank slowly with his quivering lips. His lips were gone bright red from his fever. He’s looking quite handsome, actually. With his fair skin, handsome face and red lips. The thought of this made me smile a bit. But the smirk suddenly gone, and left my edge of lips twitching. He looked at me slowly, and gave me a weak smile.

“Go back to sleep, Champ.” I told him while caressing his hair slowly. He nodded and laid his head on the pillow. I tucked him inside his blanket. As he drifted away in sleep, I sighed. I wanted to cry, but then there were no tears that would drop from my eyes. That day was the second day of his fever. A pain stung my head. I closed my eyes and breathed deeply, the pain grew weaker a little, but its left minor throb on the corner of my head. Suddenly, I felt tired.

Physically tired, yes. and also tiresome of being lonely. I needed someone to laid my head on the shoulder and cry. I couldn’t risk Dafa seeing me cry. I had once cried in front of him, few weeks after the divorce, and ended up making him sad and crying. I then promised to myself never to cry in front of him again.

I took a deep breath, realizing that everything had been consequences of my choice. I had to accept it, and go with the flow. I then had myself lost in my thoughts. Dafa stirred from his sleep, and shifted me from things that ran in my head.

“Mom..” he said slowly.

“Yes? What is it, Darling? Do you feel hurt?” I asked him. and hold his head carefully with both of my hands.

“No.” He said. He was sleeping against me, and faced the wall, so I couldn’t see his face. “Is Dad going to see me?” He continued. I gasped, but frantically tried to hide it.

“Ummm.. I think he’s busy, Dear.” I then answered, desperately trying to sound normal, and not depressed.

“Oh.” He sighed.

“Now go back to sleep. You wouldn’t want to miss school again, would you?” I said cheerfully.

“Em..hmm.” he hummed. And there were long silence. I took another deep breath.. then I said something in my mind:

"I’m Sorry, Dafa. Daddy doesn’t even care if you are sick. He never called you, not giving you any tuition, not even single penny of allowance he’d sent to us."

I didn’t even cry at this thought. His Dad doesn’t worth my tears anyway.

Senja di atas bukit

2009-05-08T22:58:00.004+07:00

Senja itu, di atas bukit. Matahari hampir tak tampak sinarnya. Angin yeng meniup perlahan, kerlap kerlip lampu kota di kejauhan, dan udara yang dingin menggigit. Kakiku membeku, tersengat dingin air di kamar mandi. Aku lalu menghampirinya, dan duduk di sebelahnya.

"Dingin." Gumamku sambil mengusap telapak kakiku yang pucat. Ia lalu meraih kaki ku perlahan.

Aku menatapnya dan tersenyum. Sengatan dingin di kakiku perlahan hilang. Ia mengusapnya dengan tangan besarnya. Ia balas tersenyum menatapku. Bukan hanya usapannya yang membuat gigil itu hilang, tapi tatapannya padaku.

“Thanks” kataku. Ia hanya tersenyum.

Lalu kisah dan kata diceritakan.. kadang disela dengan tawa. Hatiku menghangat di setiap tatapannya, setiap senyuman dan setiap kata-kata yang terucap. Ditemani oleh makan malam yang lezat.. ahhh.. betapa nikmatnya….

Sesaat ku hirup hangatnya kopi susu. Menambah nikmatnya malam itu..Ku mainkan jemariku di antara jemarinya, kadang ku usap lembut rambut-rambut nakal yang mencuat di pipinya. His 2-day beard.. terasa kasar di jemariku.. tapi sensasinya menyenangkan ku… ‘feels manly’..

Mi querido...

“Jadi..” katanya sambil mengenggam tanganku..

“Ke mana ujungnya kita?” lanjutnya. Aku hanya menatapnya, pura-pura marah dan hanya bisa berkata.. “Oh shut Up!!”.

Ia tertawa renyah.. dan aku tersenyum. Memang aneh.. kami merasakan perasaan yang sama.. saling menemukan kecocokan, saling mengisi, saling mengagumi, dan saling merindukan.. namun kami punya banyak hal lain yang harus kami pikirkan, untuk melangkah lebih jauh. . Ibarat sebuah perahu kecil.. yang ingin melintasi danau yang besar.

Lalu kesunyian melingkupi kami. Bukan kesunyian yang mencekam, namun kesunyian dimana masing-masing saling menikmati keberadaan, menikmati suasana, meresapi rasa yang sama-sama kami rasakan. Angin berhembus perlahan. Kelap kelip lampu kota di bawah kami, serasa menambah indah momen tak terlupakan ini.

“I’ve told my mum..” Katanya, di antara kepulan rokoknya. Kedua matanya menerawang . Aku membelalak kaget, namun tersenyum.

“Lalu?” Tanyaku. Jantungku berloncatan. Tak sabar menanti jawabnya. Dia tampak sedang berpikir. Mencoba merangkai kata-kata.

“Emm.. kamu tau sendiri, mungkin….” Katanya. Ia menoleh dan menatapku. Aku menangkap tatapannya, dan memandang kearah lain. Menerawang.

“Yeah.. kalau anak laki-lakiku dekat dengan seorang janda, aku pun akan menyarankan tuk ‘mencari yang masih perawan’..” Kataku. Bibirku tersenyum, namun hatiku…

“So, what did she say?” Tanyaku. Perih hatiku mulai terasa, bagai seutas tali tipis menggores di hatiku.

“Well, she was…. Silent. Diem.” Katanya . Aku tersenyum menatapnya. Ia tak tahu.. hatiku sudah mulai tersayat.

“Hmmm.. salah approach kali, Hon.. harusnya sebutin dulu kelebihan-kelebihan Akuu.” Kataku. Aku tertawa ringan, berusaha menyembunyikan galau di hatiku. Aku meremas jemarinya..

“Udah…” Katanya. “Tapi tetep, pas aku keluarin statement itu.. beliau langsung diem.” Lanjutnya.

“Ow.. and I’ve told my brother too..” Katanya lagi. Jantungku semakin tak keruan detaknya.

“And then?” tanyaku.berusaha menenangkan degub yang berkejaran di dadaku. Ia mengangkat bahu…

“Kakakku bilang….. ‘why not try to find someone else first? Dia pernah gagal, bagaimna kalu nanti kamu gagal juga?’…” Lanjutnya. Ahh.. sayatan lagi di hatiku.

“Tapi Hon.. aku cuma bilang gini...‘Gimana klo setelah mencari ternyata nggak ada yang lebih baik dari dia?, atau ternyata, ujung-ujungnya ya sama dia?’” katanya lagi. Sedikit aliran kesejukan mengaliri sayatan-sayatan di hati.

“Hmm..” Gumamku perlahan. Aku menangis dalam hati… Jika aku bisa memilih, tentunya aku tak ingin jadi seorang Janda.. apalagi di usia semuda ini. Namun aku telah memilih. Memilih tuk pergi dari ketidak jujuran dalam bahtera yang kuarungi dulu. Memilih untuk berhenti tersiksa. Memilih untuk berhenti di tindas. Memilih untuk pergi dari seseorang yang menyeretku ke lembah penderitaan. Ahh…

Aku tahu, pilihanku penuh dengan konsekuensi. Konsekuensi yang dalam beberapa hal aku sangat siap menghadapinya. Segala beban hidup yamg harus ku tanggung, kesendirian yang kulewati tiap malam, trauma berat yang kualami akibat segala perbuatan mantan suamiku, dan merahnya telinga akibat menjadi bahan gunjingan orang lain, semua aku hadapi dengan dagu terangkat dan tekad yang penuh semangat. Tapi ada juga konsekuensi yang hatiku masih belum siap tuk hadapi. Aku terbiasa diterima di segala kalangan, dari mulai anak kecil sampai Orang tua.. mungkin karena sifatku yang mudah akrab dengan orang lain.. ‘penolakan halus’-yang walupun belum final-dari keluarganya sedikit mengguncang hatiku.. Aku tersenyum pedih dalam hati.

“Sabar Rana. Manusia iu lebih mulia dalam sakitnya sabar. Lagi pula, kamu belum pernah bertemu mereka. Mungkin setelah bertemu, mereka justru akan menyayangimu dan Dafa.” Kataku dalam hati.

Ia mengusap jemariku perlahan. Kepedihan dalam hatiku berangsur pudar. Aku menghela napas. Aku terenyum lagi.. memandangnya… Ia yang selalu ada untukku, selalu mendengarkan keluh kesahku, mendukungku, bahkan meminjamkan punggungnya untuk ku tumpahkan air mata. Aku mengenalnya belum terlalu lama.. namun terasa seperti telah mengenalnya bertahun-tahun. Aku kagum akan kecerdasannya, segala tutur katanya yang indah, pribadinya, kerasnya hidup yang telah ia lewati dan kedewasaanya. Sikapnya yang selalu santun, dan tak pernah memanfaatkan kesempatan maupun statusku sebagai seorang Janda. Ia selalu bisa tahu apa yang berkelebat di hatiku, tanpa aku katakan padanya. Ia selalu menghiburku kala ku resah, selalu bisa membuatku terbahak dengan segala ceritanya, serta menenangkanku saat aku gundah. Aku belajar banyak hal darinya dan menjadi kuat karenanya. Aku merasa nyaman berada di dekatnya, terheran-heran akan banyak kesamaan yang kami miliki.

Setelah pernah gagal, aku lebih selektif dalam berhubungan dengan para pria. Aku telah banyak menemui banyak pria, banyak berusaha mengenal mereka, bahkan menerima ajakan ‘hangout’ dari pria yang menurutku ‘lulus seleksi’dan tidak berniat ‘aneh’ terhadapku. Namun entah mengapa, tak ada yang bisa membuatku senyaman pria aneh yang ada di depanku ini. Segala yang kami lalui nampak seperti air.. mengalir perlahan, dan meninggalkan jejak mendalam di setiap alirannya. Yang kurasa..Ia seperti seseorang, darimana rusukku berasal…

Ia memang tak sempurna, seperti layaknya manusia lainnya. Namun ketidaksempurnaanya hanya membuatnya makin sempurna di mataku.

Sering aku berusaha menahan rasa ini. Menahan rindu. Takut semuanya seperti yang kualami dengan mantan suamiku. Namun ada hal-hal dalam dirinya yang meyakinkan ku, bahwa aku akan baik-baik saja di tangannya.

“Hei..” katanya. Sesaat aku tersadar dari lamunan dan pikiran di benakku. Aku kembali tersenyum padanya. Ia mengusap pipiku, aku merasakaan getaran itu, dan menikmati sensasi kupu-kupu yang beterbangan di perutku. Aku tersenyum dalam hati.. setelah mengenalku sekian lama, dan seringnya kami pergi bersama, baru kali ini ia menyentuh pipiku.. aku benar-benar salut akan ketahanannya. Kebanyakan pria bila dalam suasana seromantis ini, cenderung akan mencium pasangannya atau bahkan ‘bergerilya’ dengan tangan mereka. Tapi Ia? Ia tak menyembunyikan betapa ia ingin meraihku dalam peluknya, namun ia tak melakukannya. Ia sangat menghargaiku. Inilah salah satu alasan mengapa aku merasa aman didekatnya. Aku tahu, manusia pun punya batas kesabaran, namun aku yakin dan percaya sepenuhnya padanya, bahwa ia akan sangat menghormatiku.

Ia lalu menanyakan sesuatu tentang masa laluku dengan mantan suamiku. Aku menjawabnya. Namun semakin banyak kata yang terucap, semakin perih hati ini tersayat, teringat akan semua perbuatannya padaku. Aku terisak, ia meminjamkan punggungnya, dan meremas tanganku perlahan. Seakan mengatakan kalau “you are gonna be okay..I’m here with you..” Ia lalu membiarkanku hingga aku merasa tenang.

Oh.. secara batin aku semakin merasa dekat dengannya..

Salahkah bila aku menyimpan harap padanya? Namun tiba-tiba aku tersadar.. cukup berharga kah diriku untuknya? Cukup berhargakah aku untuk diperjuangkannya?

Ahh.. aku hanya bisa menyimpan asa. Manakala ia ingin mencari ‘yang tidak seperti aku’.. hatiku pasti akan hancur..berkeping-keping, dengan serpihan yang jauh lebih kecil….akan merasa sangat berat untuk melepasnya dan merelakannya pergi. Tetapi mungkin aku akan merasa bahagia, bila ia berbahagia.

Hmmmm, could I?

......................

-->finalmente encontró a alguien y es feliz de que usted<-- ;)

the lenses, the eyes and the smile

2009-04-17T01:12:00.002+07:00

The sun shone right through the trees...
The cloud engulfed the rays sometimes,..
And the wind that breezed lazily...
Mutually crafting the right atmosphere...

Dark hollow stood still
Drifting cold and moist gust,
The ancient rough stone walls...
Kept silent, but held so many stories...

Footsteps and laughter echoed along the tunnel
Small fingers that hung on muscular arm,
Glances and smiles exchanged...
Expressing unspeakable expression...

All the beautiful moments
When hands were clasped
When fingers were sewn together
When hugs were given and accepted
And stories were shared

Feelings were felt, but untold
Laughter was present
Sadness was a gift
Compassion arose
Sympathy had evolved
Right under the darkness of the hollow

Figure that leaned upon humid and rough wall
Eye that looked through small lenses,
Froze times...
Captured moments...
Captivated the smile...

Did the eye able to see,
the sorrow that hid behind the smile?
Did the lenses ever captured
The hesitation that crawled behind the eyes that smiled?

The smile hid the sorrow,
because somehow
It knew that these moments had to end
And the smile will have gone too
And though the smile ever present again,
It will never be the same,
It will never be as cheerful
It will never be as sincere...

Apparently those moments
Had engraved deep...
Within the smile…

The eyes that were captured by the lens, hesitated,
Because they had no mouth to tell
That they want that moment to last forever,
That they always want to look at him, and him only
But all the eyes could do,
Was to spill out tears...

Over someone…
That was the best that ever happen to them
And someday
Would go away...

-this song remind me of him-

Hanya bisa.....

2009-03-31T18:03:00.002+07:00

ah.. pagi yang indah..
saat mentari pagi cerah menyapa embun dan rerumputan..
sukmaku ikut tersenyum..
aku tak bisa pungkiri, aku tak bisa sembunyikan..
rasa bahagia yang membuncah dalam dadaku..

mungkin kalau semua bagian tubuhku punya bibir…
semuanya akan tersenyum ..

aku bahagia

aku..
ingin bersandar padanya..
selamanya bisa meletakkan kepalaku di pundaknya..
ingin selalu bisa memeluknya erat..
ingin selalu dapat menjadi tempat keluh kesahnya..
Mendengarkan segala pemikiran dan angan-angannya..
ingin jadi seseorang yang bisa mendampinginya… saat lelah mendera..
Ingin menjadi seseorang yang dipeluknya.. saat ia terbalut amarahnya..
ingin melihat senyumannya… menghiasi hari2ku..
selalu ingin.. tanganku terlihat mungil di genggam tangannya..

tapi…
lalu ada rasa dingin yang menyergap seluruh tubuhku…
aku teringat lukaku..
sayatan-sayatan pedih itu..
menimbulkan bekas yang mendalam..

salahkah aku bila merasa takut?

aku takut..
aku takut suatu saat aku kan jatuh lagi..
dan tak kan mampu berdiri..

aku takut...

Antara Keinginan dan Kebutuhan

2009-03-12T23:02:00.002+07:00

Ketika keinginan tak terpenuhi
Haruskah kita menangisi diri sendiri?
Ketika kebutuhan yang terpenuhi
Apakah kita tetap memendam keinginan?

Saat hati berucap kata, namun tak bisa
Saat hati ingin bicara, namun terhalang oleh logika
Haruskah kita meredam keinginan?
Membiarkan kebutuhan yang berujar
Dan biarkan semua berjalan apa adanya

Atau haruskah kita mengejar keinginan..
Dan mengabaikan kebutuhan..
Tak peduli hati tersakiti,
kebutuhan tak terpenuhi
demi untuk sesuatu yang belum pasti?

Ahh..
Manusia memang tak pernah puas…

(that includes you and me :D)

Forms of attentions

2009-03-08T19:20:00.008+07:00

Kadang, yang namanya manusia selalu haus akan perhatian.. apalagi yang namanya wanita.. beuuuuhh, selalu ingin diperhatikan.

Saya wanita (yeah, last time i chececked, I am. hehhe)dan saya merasa, bahwa kebutuhan primer saya udah jauh lebih rumit dari orang2 dulu.
Jamn dulu, kebutuhan primer adalah: Sandang, Pangan dan Papan
Kebutuhan Primer sayah : Sandang, Pangan, Papan, Hp, Tv, Internet dannn Gombalan.

gyahahhha.. bodoh sih.. tapi akhir2 ini emang lagi pengen dijadiin 'objek gombalan' para cowok..
Salah satu nya ya ini..pengen diperhatiin..dimanja.. di buat merasa klo saya adalah 'satu2nya punya dya..'

tapi mood2-an loh..
Kadang.. saya cuma pengen dipandangi,dan dikasi senyum
Kadang.. pengen digenggam tangan doang..
kadang.. pengen dipuji..
kadang.. pengen dikasih surprise
kadang.. pengen dipeluk.. (wah.. bahasan peluk ini seru banget.. next post ya??)
kadang.. cuman pengen dy naro kepalanya di pangkuan saya
dan kadang.. pengen dikasi bunga deposito... ahahhahhahhhaha kidding
you know.. semua bentuk attention yg gak saya dapet dri dya..

nah itu.. saking saya pengen dan berharap macem-macem.. saya jadi nggak sadar.. bahwa ada bentuk perhatian yg keknya sepeleeeeee banget.. tapi ternyata..
pas bentuk perhatian itu ilang..
saya jadi bener2 kehilangan... :'C..

apakah itu?
sms.. yg isinya : "lagi apa?" atou "dah tidur?" "jaga kesehatan yaa?"

sepele kaan? tapi ya itu...I was stupid.. saya nggak sadar klo sebenernya dy merhatiin saya...

ahh.. manakalanya dy ga ada.. saya.. kesepian :((..
dan saya jadi kangen.. ;((

dan saya jadi addict sma lagu ineh ;))
- Pasto- Aku pasti kembali-

makanya..
kita harus bisa mensyukuri sgala bentuk perhatian orang lain sama kita.. syukur2 klo bisa ngebalesny dlm bentuk lebih..

jgn ampe kek sy.. ehhehhe :D

Lagi pengen curhat..

2009-03-03T23:06:00.004+07:00

Kehidupan saya sekarang, buat saya cukup membingungkan..
ibaratnya baru turun dari salah satu wahana 'serem' macam tornado dan kicir2 di Dufan..
adrenaline rush, seneng, tapi yang pasti mah... disoriented..

coba.. yg tadinya punya partner dan tempat share.. sekarang nggak
yg tadinya must 'ngurus' yg gede.. skrg tinggal 1 uruseun
yg tadinya klo jalan2 dan hengout saya pake 'kcamata kuda' sekarang,, ehehhehhehhe
mata saya jelalatan.. huahaahha..

tapi yang bikin deg2an adalah..
having a date..

gyahahhahhah..
lucu
waktu pertama having a date lagi...
cangguuuuuuuuuuuuuunng banget
(wajar lah.. dah lama bareng sama particular person)

kebiasaan2 lam susah ilang, contoh:
turun dari kendaraan, saya langsung nyelipin tangan di sikunya.
wah Sakadang dya langsung kaget...

"oops.. sori.. kebiasaan.. " sayah nyengir.. dy jalan 3 langkah depan sayah
wahhahhhah

Hmmm... gmna ya klo kebiasaan kiss*g saya kumat?

"oops.. sori.. ketempel" wahhahhahha

Intinya adl... asik juga, meeting new people, share new paradigmas.. brain storming...

Cuman what sucks adalah.. harus 'membiasakan' diri lagi..
orang baru.. kebiasaan bru
style,
fav food

ahh..
pokoknya jadi brasa abg lagih!! wiiihii

eh.. klo ada yg mau cerita ttg 'disaster date' boleh2.. ayo ceeritaaaaaa

ehehhhe

Btw, buat yg lagi nunggu2 cerita Rana and Rega.. sabar yaa,,,
lagi sibuk di ktr.. ehhehhe

-luv yaall-
=Rana-

Lamunan tengah malam

2009-03-03T02:24:00.002+07:00

Saya bingung,,
akhrir2 ini saya sibuuuuuuuuuuuk sekali di kantor..

saya bener2 kasian sama Dafa..
i hav no time for him..

diantara kerja-ngasi les-jadi housewife-nge blog-sama tidur

ahh,, sayang...

maafkan aku nak..

When we were back together

2009-02-25T20:29:00.005+07:00

April 2008

Ia membelai pipku perlahan. Aku hanya tersenyum. Melirik matanya sebentar, berusaha tak berlama-lama mentapanya, agar ia tak tahu apa yang ada mengeram di hatiku.. Aku memalingkan wajahku, pura-pura sangat tertarik melihat acara yang sedang tayang di televisi.

“Rana, Sayang….” Katanya sambil membelai pipku dengan buku-buku telunjuknya. Aku tahu ia tersenyum dan menatapku penuh cinta. Aku memasang wajah ‘pura-pura cinta’ terbaikku. You know, senyum lembut, tatapan mata penuh kasih dan ‘mengundang’, lalu menundukkan kepalaku perlahan. Sebagian karena ingin terlihat sebagai istri penuh cinta yang malu-malu, dan sebagian lagi karena tak ingin topeng yang aku kenakan terlihat olehnya.

“Aku pergi dulu, Ya? Kamu ati-ati di rumah.. Jaga Dafa baik-baik.” Katanya sambil tersenyum, Ia lalu menangkup kedua pipiku dengan kedua tangannya. Aku berusaha berpaling. Tapi tangannya menahanku. Tak menyakitiku memang, namun tekannannnya cukup untuk membuat wajahku terpaku padanya. Ia lalu menatap kedua mataku dan tersenyum. Aku memaki dalam hati. Namun berusaha untuk terlihat seperti ‘istri baik dan pasrah’.

Ia lalu mengecupku. Aku memejamkan mataku. Untuknya, aku terlihat seperti benar-benar menikmati ciumannya. Untukku, adalah demi menutupi rasa muakku. Ia mulai menyelipkan lidahnya, aku sudah makin tak tahan. Tapi sedikit saja aku bereaksi, maka ia akan merasakannya. Aku mencoba untuk membendung rasa jengahku. Bagaimanakah caranya saudara-saudara? Yak, dengan membalas ciumannya. Juga sekalian melepaskan amarah dan tekanan. Hmmm.. ia tak akan pernah merasakan amarahku, karena yang ia rasakan adalah ‘how great my kisses are’. Sedetik, 2 detik, 3 detik, 5 detik, 7 detik., 10 detik, 15 detik. Ahh.. akhrirnya ia terengah melepaskanku. Ia memandangku lagi, dan memelukku erat. Tapi tanganku hanya bergantung lemas di kedua sisi tubuhnya.

“Ohhh.. aku pasti bakal kangen banget sama kamu, Sayang. Di Semarang nanti aku pasti bakal kesepiaann, kangen teruus”. Katanya. Aku memutar kedua bola mataku. Aku tak khawatir ia melihatku. Karena kepalaku berada di pundaknya.

“Kamu bakal kangen aku kan, Rana?” tanyanya sambil mendekapku.

“Act normal Rana!! Tahan!!” kataku dalam hati. Kembali aku pasang wajah manis..dengan suara selembut mungkin. Aku melingkarkan tanganku, memeluknya. Lalu berdehem

“Iya..” Jawabku lirih. Lalu aku melepaskan pelukannya. Tersenyum padanya sekilas.

“Nanti kamu ketinggalan kereta.” Kataku perlahan. Ia lalu tersenyum, dan meremas tanganku dengan penuh rasa sayang.

“Aku pergi dulu.” katanya. Aku mengantarnya sampai depan pintu rumah. I melambaikan tangannya dari kejauhan, dan meniupkan kecupn dari jauh. Aku hanya melambai sambil tersenyum.

Begitu ia hilang dari pandangan mata.. aku bergegas ke kamar mandi. Dengan tangan gemetar aku mengambil odol dan sikat gigi. Berkali-kali sikat gigi itu terlepas dari genggaman tanganku yang gemetar.. aku menyikat gigiku keras-keras, berkumur, menuangkan mouthwash dengan gemetar.. sehingga isinya tumpah sebagian, membasahi wastafel. semburat kebiruannya nampak sangat kontras dengan warna putih porselennya.

“OH Shit!!” makiku.. Aku berkumur2 lagi.. berusaha menghilangkan ‘rasa Rega’ dari mulutku.

berkumur sampai mulutku terasa sakit, terasa perih.. tubuhku gemetar menahan tangis. Saaat cairan biru itu mengalir dari tepian bibirku, akupun terduduk..

Dan aku pun menangis tersedu-sedu..

The Story Continues

2009-02-21T19:54:00.003+07:00

Febuari 2008

Sore hari, di sudut sebuah café. Aku mematut-matut diriku, sambil melihat bayangan ku yang terpantul di dinding seberang. Entah kenapa, hari ini aku sangat ingin terlihat sempurna. Dan ya, itulah bayangan yang kulihat terpantul di kaca, tegar, kuat dan siap menghadapi apapun. Aku tersenyum dengan penuh keyakinan. Lalu aku duduk menyilangkan kaki dengan anggun, dan membaca Sandra Brown terbaru ku.

“Rana..” Tiba-tiba aku dengar seseoang memangil namaku. Aku menahan napas, menghembuskan nya perlahan, dan mempersiapkan senyum terbaikku. Lalu aku mendongak dengan penuh percaya diri .

“Ya?” Kataku tenang. Lalu ku lihat wajahnya. Honestly, he look miserable. Seragam kantornya masih terlihat rapih, dan licin, namun tidak dengan wajahnya. Letih, mata berkantung dan nampak gurat-gurat kelelahan membayang di setiap senti wajahnya.

Ia lalu berusaha tersenyum, tapi yang tampak hanya ringisan terpaksa dan terlihat tak tulus.

“Duduk.” Kataku.

Ia lalu menarik kursi di hadapanku sambil menundukkan kepalanya.

“Gimana kabar kamu?” tanyaku. Ia lalu mendongakkan kepalanya dan menatapku cukup lama sebelum akhirnya menjawab.

“Keliatannya gimana?” Retoris.Bukan jawaban. Lalu ia menatapku dengan ‘tatapan terluka’ terbaiknya. Aku berusaha tak terlihat goyah sedikitpun.

“Dafa gimana?” Tanyanya lagi. Bukan retoris. Jadi harus ku jawab.

“ Baik..” jawabku pendek.

Tiba-tiba dia tampak sangat kesal, dan mengepalkan tangannya di atas meja.

“Please Rana. Jangan main2.. aku sangat tersiksa memikirkan kamu dan Dafa. Aku bingung Rana!! Aku sedih! Aku kesal! Aku benci semua ini! Aku.. Arrggh!!!” Ucapannya menyembur bagaikan keran air yang terbuka penuh. Ia kembali tertunduk.

Aku hanya menatapnya, berusaha tak terlihat terlalu dingin, khawatir amarahnya akan tersulut, dan ia lalu melakukan hal-hal diluar kehendakku.

Tiba-tiba ia mendongak kembali, kali ini dapat kulihat air mata membayang di pelupuk matanya. Ia lalu menatap kedua mataku.

“Aku nggak pengen kita pisah, Rana..Aku sangat mencintai kamu.” Kali ini dengan nada memelas, dan pandangan memelas pula.

Aku menghembuskan nafas keras, dan melipat kedua tanganku di depan dada.

“ Kamu tau sendiri, itu nggak mungkin..” jawabku sambil tersenyum sinis.

“Lalu apa yang harus aku lakukan untuk mempertahankan perkawinan kita?” tanyanya. Keputusasaan mulai tersirat di suaranya. Aku tertawa pendek.

“Bertanggung jawab akan hal-hal yang kamu lakukan, mungkin?” kataku sambil memutar kedua bola mataku ke atas. Sebuah kalimat yang tadinya ditujukan untuk merendahkannya.

“Oke.” Jawabnya pendek. Aku sedikit terkejut, tapi sebisa mungkin menyembunyikan keterkejutanku. Ia menatapku tajam.

“Tunggu aku di rumahmu. Aku akan kesana saat Ibu dan Ayahmu ada di rumah.” Katanya.

----- **---------

Ia duduk di kursi pojok, menghadap Aku, Ayah Ibuku, dan teman kami, Gama. Ia tampak nelangsa.

“Saya.. minta maaf..” Katanya sambil menundukkan kepala.

“Saya khilaf, saya yang melakukan semua itu. Saya benar2 melakukannya. Dan saya benar-benar minta maaf.”

Ibu dan Ayahku nampak terkejut. Setengah tak percaya namun setengah lega tapi juga sedih. Lega karena ternyata memang ia pelaku semuanya, dan tak percaya bahwa ia akhirnya berani mengakuinya. Sedih? well karena tak percaya, ternyata ia begitu tega.

“Saya janji nggak akan ngulangin semuanya.”

---- **----------

Aku terdiam di kamarku. Ibu menghampiriku, dan duduk di sebelahku di atas tempat tidur. Beliau lalu menghembuskan nafas dengan keras.

“Aku bingung,Bu.” Kataku pendek, sambil menatap ke arah jendela. Berusaha mencari jawaban di luar sana. Aku bisa merasakan Ibu menatapku.

“Ibu juga bingung,Na. Tapi, dia kan sudah berniat baik, dan beritikad baik.”

“Tapi, Bu..” kataku sambil menatapnya. Ibu memejamkan mata dan mengangkat tangannya untuk menghentikan ucapanku. Kata-kata tertahan di mulutku. Namun aku hanya bisa menghembuskan nafas kesal.

“Tuhan juga Maha Pemaaf, Na. Masa kamu nggak bisa ngasih dia kesempatan? Siapa tau sekarang dia berubah. Selama ini memeng kamu nggak pernah konfrontasi sebelumnya kan?”

Aku hanya diam. Melipat kedua tanganku di depan dada dan kembali menatap ke luar jendela.

“Aku.. sebenernya udah males, Bu.. I don’t love him anymore..” Kataku sambil mengusap wajah dengan tanganku.

“Rana, saran Ibu, berilah ia kesempatan sampai kamu beres kuliah. Toh dengan begini kamu lebih konsentrasi dengan skripsi kamu. Dan begitu selesai, kamu bisa pergi ke mana pun yang kamu mau.”

Aku menatap wajah Ibuku, ia terlihat sangat letih akan semua ini, dan ingin semua segera berakhir. Sama denganku. Namun logikanya lebih unggul dibandingkan perasaannya. Satu hal yang paling aku kagumi darinya. Ahh Ibu…

“Baiklah.”

(To be continued..)

Lessen the frequency

2009-02-16T01:49:00.005+07:00

hemmm...
Saya lagi aga2 bingung nih..
anak saya, 4 th akhir2 ini lagi rada lebih nyaman di rumah neneknya. Klo disana, dya terlihat lebih ceria, feels content, dan ga pernah nanyain his Dad.

Klo saya liatnya dari beberapa faktor..
pertama, ya mungkin karena di rumah Ibu saya, areanya lebih luas, dan dya jadi lebih bisa eksplore
kedua, mungkin juga karena disini masih banyak 'aura his Dad' yang bikin dya masih aga2 sering teringat..

Ah,, nggak kok, saya nggak berniat misahin seorang anak dari ayahnya.
cuman ingin 'membiasakan' dya of living without his Dad.

2 minggu kemaren pernah soalnya..
Pulang nginep dari rumah his Dad, ditinggal bentar aja nangisnya aga sedikit lebay..
eheheh
Wajar lah, kangeun mungkin..
Tapi kasian juga kan klo dya ampe feeling tortured gtu..

Tapi..
Aku peluk,
Alihkan perhatiannya, ajakin maen bentar..
bacain buku...
yah.. reda juga..

Makanya akhernya aku ber-komit ama His Dad..
to lessen the frequency of his visit
ehehhehehhe

untungnya His Dad was being cooperative. (tx Man..)

hmmm.. kira2 langkah yg saya ambil udah tepat belom ya?
tx 4 ur comments..
:P

Waay Past Midnite

2009-02-12T02:42:00.001+07:00

Lepas tengah malam
jauh..

aku pejamkan mataku, dan aku tersenyum.
membayangkan dalam genggaman tangannya.
hangat peluknya..

ahhh..
berharap ia ada disini
bercanda denganku seperti biasa..
bercerita.. tentang harinya
dan bertanya tentang hari ku...

hal sepele
tak terasa penting..
namun manjadi suatu penawar
akan rasa lelah yang dirasakan
seputaran siang sebelumnya

rasa lelah mulai menjalar
membuat nanar kedua mataku
lelah fisik?
atau lelah batin?
ahhhh...

Elang... cepatlah sembuuh :P

Is it too obvious?

2009-02-10T17:01:00.001+07:00

Ekekkkek... klu ngeliat judul blog saya,
mungkin berbagai persepsi muncul.
Dari yang "wow... single Mom? hebat tuuuh.."
"diiih, single mom aja bangga.. aib tauuuu.."

Hemm gmana yah...
Masing2 orang berhak punya pendapat sih..
mau buruk atao jelek.. ya.. balik lagi ke orangnya masing2..

klo saya sih, klo ada yang mau kasih kritik, silahkaaan..
memuji (ahahha, kayak bakal ada aja ya yang muji..) diterima dengan senang hati..

Nah yang ingin saya tau, apakah fenomena Single parent kaya saya ituh banyak?
FYI, ya.. saya pernah married.. (ehehhe, penting ya?)
dan kadang... walupun secinta apapun kita sama pasangan, kalo ada hal prinsipil yang ga bisa ditolerir, daripada 'nyiksa maneh' istilah Sunda-nya.. mending juga jangan diterusin..
Ibaratnya naek perahu yang udah berlobang gede ditengah..
bagaimanapun kita berusaha buang airnya keluar...
akhirnya malah capek sendiri dan teteup aja sinking..

that's why, I decided to use my salvation jacket, which I had prepared carefully,
and I refused to be drowned..

eits.. no, of coarse I was not and am not a quitter.
the hole in my boat was too big
and salvage was not a resolution..

ehehheheh..

ahhhh.. brangkat gawe dlu.. tar diterusin yaaaaa

*sekedar info: 50% marriage di US, ended up in divorce

The beginning

2009-02-10T12:55:00.003+07:00

JANUARI 2008

Aku menatatapnya perlahan. Kulihat Ia sedang tersenyum memandangi anak kami yang sedang bermain perosotan di ujung taman. Aku lalu mentutup kedua mataku. Setengah mati berusaha mengumpulkan keberanianku. Ku rasakan kedua telapak tanganku mulai lembab. Deburan jantungku berkejaran. Pelipisku mulai bedenyut, mengirimkan suara bertalu-talu ke telingaku. Tenggorokanku terasa tercekat. Tapi, aku lalu menguatkan diri, dan menyentuh pelan lengannya. Ahh, semoga saja ia tak merasakan tanganku yang gemetar. Ia lalu menolehkan kepalanya ke arahku. Aku menarik nafas perlahan.

“Aku, mau pisah.” Kataku, menatap langsung kedua matanya. Sesuatu yang selama ini selalu aku hindari. Ia tampak terkejut, namun lalu ada tawa membayang di kedua matanya. Ia pun tersenyum.

“Ga usah bercanda deh..” katanya sambil tersenyum, dan berusaha mencubit hidungku. Sesuatu yg sering ia lakukan manakala merasa gemas padaku. Aku menepis tangannya dan berkata dengan nada rendah.

“Aku serius,Ga.” Jawabku tegas. Tangan yg sedapatnya akan mencubit hidungku itu terhenti di udara. Bayang tawa di kedua matanya menghilang. Sekarang yang tersisa hanya kebingungan, dan rasa terkejut yang tak terkira. Ia mengerutkan dahinya, pertanda sedang berpikir keras.

“Kenapa?” tanyanya. Ia memajukan badannya ke arahku. Ia menatap kedua mataku. Berusaha mencari jawaban disana. Aku sebisa mungkin berusaha menahan bulir airmata yang mulai terkumpul id kedua pelupuk mataku. Ahh, aku beruntung ada meja di antra kami berdua, karena apabila tak ada meja itu mungkin aku tak akan punya keberanian untuk mengatakan ini semua, karena ia akan langsung merengkuhku dalam pelukannya, dan membuatku terlena.

Aku memejamkan kedua mataku, dan berusaha untuk memfokuskan pikiranku.

“Aku udah tau semua, Rega. “ Jawabku. Ia nampak kebingungan.

“Ahh, nggak usah pura-pura, Ga.” Lanjutku aku lalu memandang kedua matanya dan tersenyum sinis.

“Kamu kan, penyebab hilangnya barang2 berharga di rumah?” sesaat, ia nampak terperanjat, matanya terbelalak, dan punggungnya Nampak menegang. Tapi hanya sesaat. Hanya beberapa milidetik. Namun itu semua tak pernah luput dari pandanganku. Tiba-tiba ia terlihat marah. Sangat marah. Ahh, sesuatu yang telah kupelajari dari sifatnya selama bertahun-tahun adalah: dia akan menutupi rasa bersalahnya dengan amarah dan itu adalah fase pertama.

“Kamu nuduh aku?” tanyanya ketus. Namun masih dengan nada rendah. Ia melipat kedua tangannya di depn dadanya. Ia menatapku tajam. Sangat tajam. Hal ini lah yang biasanya mengintimidasi aku agar mengikuti segala kemauannya. Aku tak suka perang mulut. Oh.. I’ve been weak and stupid for this whole 4 years.

“Nggak usah bohong,Ga. Aku tau. Selama ini kmu pikir Aku nggak tau, apa?” aku berusaha terdengar setegas mungkin, namun aku tahu, suaraku mulai bergetar. Ia nampak terkesima. Nampak ada sinar kepanikan di kedua matanya. Ia tak pernah menyangka, aku akan berkata seperti ini. Biasanya aku akan mengiyakan kata-katanya, dan memendam rasa kecewaku.

“Aku beneran nggak ngelakuin itu semua, Na. Sumpah, masa kamu nggak percaya sama aku?” kini pungungnya mulai melemas, namun aku masih melihat ada sinar panic membayang di wajahnya. Fase kedua , Saudara-saudara. Bila amarah tak mempan, berbohonglah untuk menutupi kebohongan.

Aku hanya diam. Menatapnya tajam, tanpa mengucapkn sepatah katapun. Nampak tetesan keringat timbul di atas bibirnya.

“Astagfirullah.Bener, Na. Aku sumpah. Sumpah Demi Allah. Aku gak ngelakuin itu semua. Masa kamu nggak percaya sama aku? Matanya terlihat memohon.

Bulir-bulir keraguan mulai membayang di dadaku. Aku bimbang, “Am I doing the right thing?” tanyaku dalam hati. Namun tiba-tiba aku teringat. Fase ketiga. Menggunakan segala cara termasuk nama Tuhan, untuk meyakinkan aku. Sejenak kenyataan ini membangkitkan kembali rasa percaya diriku. Aku hanya menatapnya. Menggelengkan kepalaku perlahan dan tersenyum sinis.

Pathetic.

Kini aku bisa melihat aura panik itu berubah menjadi aura ketakutan. Ia lalu menggenggam tanganku, yang berusaha ku tarik, namun tertahan oleh kekuatannya. Aku meliriknya tajam. Namun ia tampak enggan melepas tanganku.

“Ayo lah, Rana. Mana mungkin aku melakukan itu semua? Percaya deh sama aku. Lagipula, kalau kita pisah, kamu nggak kasian sama Dafa? ” Kembali rasa ragu itu mengisi tepian hatiku. Aku memandang Dafa yang masih asyik bermain. Dafa melambaikan tangannya pada kami sambil tersenyum bahagia. Poor kid. He doesn’t know, pernikahan orang tuanya di ujung tanduk.

Tiba-tiba sesuatu menyadarkan aku. Fase ke-empat, bualan tak mempan, ganti dengan fakta dan logika. Damn, such a predictable liar.

Tiba-tiba aku merasa lelah dengan perang emosional ini. Aku menarik paksa tanganku, dan mengusap wajahku perlahan, berusaha menutupi bulir-bulir yang mulai mengalir di pipiku.

“Terserah kamu mau ngomong apa. Aku capek!!”

Dan aku pun pergi meninggalkannya.

hemm

2009-02-10T12:31:00.000+07:00

Ehm.. baru coba bikin blog niih...
nenembean
another racun internet.. ekekkekek

so.. let's see what i can do here..
hmmm
:-?